Welcome back school

wpid-img_8824.jpg.jpgIt’s 7pm and as I drink my coffee in hopes to stay awake a little longer, My energy continues to deplete. A sign of the past week taking its toll. School started back for the both girls as well as myself! 4yo in preschool and 6yo in first grade. I still can’t believe they are old enough for school, but alas they are.

What am I taking you ask. Well this semester would be statistics, which if you know me, then you know I am sure to hate it! My instructor seems cool, so maybe it will not be so bad. Ballet also started back, so we are back to crazy schedules, tired mommy and kids, and poor eating habits. We are working on that one. we really are trying, but the stress eating always comes back.

First grader wouldn’t even let me walk her to class on the first day. She just simply looked at me and said “I got it!” The independence and strong will of that child never ceases to amaze me. I followed her wishes and let her walks herself to class, crying as I pulled away to the sight of my little girls with the big crowd of students walking into the school. Little girl, bid school I thought. Only she is not so little anymore. She will always be that little six pound baby to me. The one that loved to cuddle, the one that always wanted her mom nearby.

Preschooler did okay. She was quiet and seemed a little nervous as we waked in, but her teacher greeted her with open arm. Lots of the kids gathered around her to say hi, and I could see instantly that she would have no problem making friends. Is it weird that I worry about that? I guess I never want my kiddos to feel alone, or lost. I think that we lose much of our youth that way.wpid-20140818_072623.jpg

By Wednesday 4yo wasn’t looking that good, so the hubby took her to the doctor. immediately diagnosed with strep throat and scarlet fever. Oh boy, let the sickies begin. I remember first grader catching something once a week while in pre-k. I guess it’s good for her to build up her immunities before Kindergarten but boy do I hate seeing my fun-loving child sick. It’s just so heart breaking. Thankful for the antibiotics that seem to be helping. although she hates it, and I nearly have to wrestle her to the ground to get her to take  the medicine.

Statistics class seems okay so far, but it’s only been one week. I’m just ready to be done with school. If I could do one thing over again it would be that! I would have continued through and taken the bachelors classes after graduating nursing school! One year off turned in to ten, and well now trying to do it with three kids is just not ideal. It can be done, obviously since I am doing it, but is much more stressful with kids.

Work has been quite stressful with its never-ending meetings which undoubtedly takes me away from my actual job duties, causing me to have some late days at work. Hoping for a better week this week with that. All in all this past week went almost smooth, however we are all just exhausted! Hoping the new routine gets a little easier, or I may need to inject this coffee into my veins to get it working!

The last conversation

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Standing in my closet, just staring at it. Disbelief that it has been so long, that the years have just passed right on by. Today marks the anniversary of my brother’s death. The day his life was taken from us. Today he is but a mere memory pushed back in the depths of my brain only to be conjured up at the most unexpected moment.

Four years since his passing, and I remember every detail from that day. The hubby and I had taken the little ones only the two girls then, to a nearby bounce house and a seafood lunch where my then almost one year old ate fried alligator. Coming home exhausted and putting the kiddos to bed to only be awaken by that phone call.  The phone call that changed my family forever. I didn’t answer it right away, but listened to the voicemail of my sister that seemed quite off to me. So i called her back to listen to her hysterical attempt at trying to tell me what was happening. He’s been shot she finally uttered out and instinctively I knew! In his early twenties my brother was dead.

She was telling me to come, and kept repeating he had been shot when finally I yelled is he alive.  after sobbing for what felt like forever she was able to say no! As the tears filled my eyes, I grabbed my keys and took off to my parents. I am the strong one, so I had to quickly dry my eyes, they would need  my strength to get through this. then one by one I called the extended family to tell them the news. Listening to their hysterics, I remained calm.

The last time I had spoken to my brother, he had called me at work. He was feeling ill and asked me what to take. I was in the middle of a meeting and told him to call back. Telling him I loved him but please call back. Oh how I wish he would call me again, in a meeting, it doesn’t matter. you see, we weren’t  particularly close. We didn’t talk every day like him and my younger sister. honestly I can’t tell you what our last real conversation was about. He was my younger brother and I took advantage of the notion that he would always be there.

Today as I look at the dress, with tears in my eyes, I think of him. The good, the bad and since he was my little brother, the down right annoying. I remember his laugh and the way he loved everyone. He took after my dad that way. His lack of self-esteem masked with his often times over confidence. Picturing him as a little boy chasing my sister and I with one of our dad’s belts. His football games and race car. how he used to want a baby so bad, and I would laugh and say he was too young. I think about what his child would be like, but then am thankful he didn’t have to leave one behind.

All of it comes flooding back. Every childhood memory,every phone conversation, every angry spat as siblings have. But the one thing that does not come, is the last real conversation that we had. I can’t find it, can’t even begin to find it. frustration sets in as the harder I try the harder it is to see.

I look at my children now, as young as they are but how close they are and I pray. I pray for that closeness to last forever! I pray that they always end every conversation with I love you. I pray that life doesn’t keep them from staying the best of friends. That their children grow up being as close as siblings. I look at them and think how quickly things change. Out life on this earth is not promised to us. Every day is not so freely given. It is precious, it is a gift. Tonight I will hug my husband and kids a little tighter as I try to remember the last real conversation!

photo credit to patheos.com

Kindness through a Haircut – A Nurse’s Tale

April:

See my guest post at the kindness blog below! Thanks for hosting me it was so fun and can’t wait to do it again sometime!

Originally posted on Kindness Blog:

Kindness through a Haircut – A Nurse’s Tale

by April Carmack

Nursing_Stethoscope_with_Heart

We become nurses to help other people. Whether this was because a loved one had become ill, inspiring us to help others, or it was a life long dream, every nurse shares a common goal. We simply want to make a difference.

Often there are patients who just stick with you, wherever you go. Chronically ill, they are often a regular visitor to the hospital. Lovingly, we call them ‘frequent flyers’. I will never forget one of these ‘frequent flyers’ who we will call Mrs. Y. She had come in to the hospital on many occasions and memories of her will stay with me.

Mrs. Y would return to hospital for another admission, and she would have her short hair neatly done, worn freshly in curls. She took such pride in her appearance and had her hair done once…

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Survival tips for new Dads

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For all of you first time dads, I have something to tell you! Your wife, is not the same carefree, super cool chick that you fell in love with! She just had a baby, and once a woman has a baby shit gets real! She is tired, hormonal, her boobs hurt and she has to care for and not screw up another human being. Long gone are the days of frivolous spending and flying by the seat of your pants.  The little quirks about you that she used to think were cute, she will now find annoying. Believe me, she will make sure you know it too! You know what I am talking about.

For me it was my husband sleeping till noon every day. Pre kids it never bothered me, but after yeah buddy I made sure he got up with me! The good news for you is I am going to help you out and keep you in good graces with the wifie, but you have to pay attention.

  1. When you get home from work, take the baby! She is expecting it and if you go take a shower and turn on the t.v. all you have managed to do is piss off your wife. In her mind she has been taking care of the baby all day, probably haven’t showered and here you show up after having an all day break and you immediately take a shower! Umm no sir, TAKE THE BABY!

  2. Tell your wife she is a wonderful mother and tell her often. Especially if the baby is colicky and nothing will help. She will feel like a failure and she needs you to remind her how wonderful she is!

  3. If she is breast feeding then you change the babies diapers! Share the duties that you can share so that she is not doing all of the work alone, or help around the house. Do the dishes, Laundry vacuuming anything she needs. Do not make her feel like she has to do it all! Be her partner in every way possible!

  4. With spit up on her, a baby attached to her boob, no make  up on and little chance of showering she will feel ugly! Tell her how beautiful she is. She may laugh at you but hey, laughter is good stress relief!

  5. Never make comments about the baby crying. Example -” why can’t you get the baby to stop crying or It’s hard to go to work with the baby crying like this! – she will take this as an insult and it will not go well for you! Sometimes it’s the best she can do to not shake the shit out of that colicky screaming baby and any comments from you is sure to back fire in a bad way!

okay, so there you go just to get you started! Congrats on your new bundle of Joy and all the adventure that goes with it! I hope these tips help you understand the state of mind of your wife and keeps you out of trouble. if you do not take the advice given and end up in the dog house, then that’s on you. I tried my best to help you out!

 

Tonight I watch you sleep

little man sleeping with his daddy!

little man sleeping with his daddy!

I hears you coughing so I went in to check on you. Opening the door ever so quietly, I stood there in awe of you. The length of your body takes up more than half of the crib now. A crib you are soon t out grow.  leaving behind almost every trace of the little baby I once knew.
In watching your slumber I sat and listened. Listening to you snoring so loud it made the wall rattle and shake. unable to move just standing there watching as my sweet baby sleeps. It’s been a while since I have watched you sleep, so I sat in the glider next to your bed and watched for a little longer. So strong and independent at even three months old you began to soother yourself to sleep on you own. Only wanting to be layed in your crib as you would drift off the dream land on your own. A busy mom of three I kindly obliged.
Now as I sit next to you with my hand on your head, I would give anything to have those early moments back.  Rocking you with your head on my shoulder while singing twinkle little star. Letting my emotions get away from me tears welled in my eyes. Flashes of memories flooding my head, from  the day you were born, our unbreakable bond, every cry, your first smile. Remembering it all. Tears of sadness running down my face for how grown up you are getting, tears of joy for the kind,loving and fen little boy you are becoming.
Almost two years old and I can already see the beginnings of the young man you will become. Always so loving and tender, sharing and kind. As much as it makes me shudder to think of you as an adult you will be a great husband one day.
So independent and strong while being sensitive, kind and brave. You will be a great role model for others. For your children, for other children, maybe even teach your old mom  a few things.
As the memories and tears continue to flood, from the pas and for the future of the frown man you will become, tonight I am choosing to make time stand still. Tonight I will watch you sleep as I rub my hand through your freshly cut hair. Because tonight and every night no matter how old you become or how far you may move away. You will always be my sweet little baby. I will love you anywhere.
 

 

The fear I never seen coming

In ten short days the school year will begin. The summer went by so fast I can’t believe it’s time for another year! There are many things I love about the school year/ The beginnings of fall with the cool weather in the mornings, to the smell of cinnamon and pumpkin everywhere. Planning our Christmas and all three of my kids birthdays beginning next month.
When you have kids you begin to imagine what there lives will be like long before they ever reach the age of your imagination. You think about them in school when they are just mere babies, and consider what it will be like. How will you will feel about starting school. Will their teachers be kind and caring? Will my child make friends easily? But there is one thing that continues to plaque my mind as this school year approaches.
With one beginning pre school and one starting first grade, I just can’t help but think. Just can’t help but worry. I say a prayer every night and never thought this would ever be a prayer needed. When your children are in school and away from you, there is nothing you can do to protect or shelter them. You just hope they are safe and that the good lord keeps them that way.
This prayer I am referring to is about keeping my kids safe. It goes something like this.

Dear God,

I know I am selfish, and I don’t always pray. If you could just please watch over my children this school year. Please keep them safe and out of harms way. I remember the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I watched the news regarding the sandy Hook shooting, and how every christmas has forever been changed for me. How I will think of that tragedy and those parents every year for the rest of my days. So if you could please watch over them, I would greatly appreciate it. I may not be the perfect mother, but I love these kids with all of my heart!

Amen

It’s funny how Seven years ago I thought my biggest fear about school would be about whether or not my kids would enjoy school and make friends. It wasn’t until the second week of school last year that the realization hit me. My daughter came home from her second week of Kindergarten talking about these drill they had to do at school that day. The first two I knew. It was the fire drill and the tornado drill. I got those, but then she began talking about  a third drill. I didn’t understand it at first.  She didn’t know the name of it or why they were doing it, just that they were to hide. Still not understanding I pulled out her binder, and that’s where it read in black and white. Today we will be practicing three drills.
Focusing solely on the third drill as the pit of my stomach made me want to vomit as if I was pregnant in my first trimester it read Intruder/Shooter drill. It’s happened. This world we live in is a world that has to protect innocent children from shooters coming in just because they could.
Upon thinking of my own school experiences the tears streamed down my face. You see, this is not something that I have ever worried about in school as a child myself. School was where my friends were, some of my favorite teachers and where we could have fun and learn. It was a safe place. It pains me to think that our children have to prepare for the event of a school shooting. A six-year-old shouldn’t know what a shooter is. Children should know love and happiness but sadly they will fear a world that takes what they want at any cost.
There are no words to make this realization more palatable, so I leave you with this. As a reminder to myself also. Hold on to those babies, make the moments count. Hug them a little tighter and say a prayer. Pray for our children as they begin this school year. That peace and happiness surround them and to always keep them safe.

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I might as well get used to my couch

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I miss the village… A recent popular blog post about the village it takes to raise a kid. Or at least the village that used to help raise a kid.  This is particularly resonating with me tonight as I sit at my computer loaded with frustration.

A distant memory sit in my mind from seven years ago while still pregnant with my first-born. We were at the dinner table with the in-laws and they were telling us how they wanted to be the first called if a babysitter is needed, and yada yada yada.. and at first with only one baby, we could get anyone to watch her, however at the time we didn’t want to be away from her! New parenting mistake.. Learn from this one new mom’s! You need the time away! Take the help while you can get it!

Fast forward to three kids later, and I will be damned we have to beg a plead to get a night together! It’s honestly gotten to the point that we have just stopped trying, I remember having to beg for our anniversary because the hubby asked and he was told no, so i started messaging and saying how it was our ten-year anniversary could someone please watch the kids for us! It amazes me how life has changed. Suddenly no one is available ever to help me and the hubby have a moment of sanity.

I guess this is dredging up because I asked for a night out with the hubby and was politely told everyone has to work. The same excuses you know. and that’s fine but apparently the hubby also asked about this friday night because the Teenage mutant ninja turtles is coming out and he knows I want to see it, and the same reason was given. We haven’t asked in a while so I guess we thought maybe just maybe we could this one time…

I have started to hang out with my friend every now and then just to see a grown up movie, because I know that me and the hubby will never get to go to one. But that doesn’t stop his family from inviting him to the movies without me, or tubing etc.  In other words, the hubby and I never have time to work on our relationship.

It apparently takes two hours to put the kids to bed, so once that is done then it’s our bedtime. WE used to watch t.v. together but are too exhausted to do that anymore. we are just going through the motions lately. It’s honestly not a way to sustain a relationship but it’s our problem and no one elses I guess.

Where is the village? The families that support and help one another. The ones that offer to give parents a mental break. Both sets of grandparents live 20 minutes away and I can count on less than one hand the amount of times that they have spent time with my children in the last couple of months. I have even been told before by my parents well your sister needs us. Just because we are independent does not mean that we don’t need you. I need you..My kids need you…

Where is the village because I am sure not seeing it. I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to see a husband and wife enjoy a night out together on Facebook. Happy that they get to remember why they fell in love but frustrated for me because the last date my hubby and I had been in march and we had to beg for it because it was our anniversary. Yep, you read that right it was five months ago. We couldn’t drop the kids off till 6pm and we were so tired and stressed from getting the kids out the door that we honestly didn’t have the best time.

Forgive my whining tonight, but the last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful. School is fixing to start and we have the head lice that is not going along with Ballet starting.. It’s just piling up and I need to unload. I have unloaded on the kids for the past two days and yelled which I hate to do! But with nowhere to release the tension it just came out and loud.

After my very honest children informed me of how mean I was being, I thought that this would be an appropriate more therapeutic way to get the feelings out.  Here I am ready to have a meltdown so I will just keep blogging and get used to my couch because it’s not like I am going anywhere anytime soon!