Living In Paradise

Today started Vacation for both me and the Hubby! Which means no work just us and the kids enjoying life! I had visions of a Leave it to beaver type moments with well-behaved kids and everything is just Grande! Then I woke up and reality hit! Two hours we spent listening to crying, whining kids as we were trying to get ready for a day filled with fun! officially to my max point of frustration mostly due to the lack of planning for the day’s events, I just wanted to stay home and wallow.

Thankfully I trucked on, getting kids ready and packing bags for the days adventures , which ended up being worth all of the stress and anger. At least the anger on my part. We decided to have a staycation due to the lack of funds, but it honestly is ok. We live in paradise and so there is no need to go on an expensive vacation when the fun is just an hour away.

If we hadn’t decided to go, I would have missed this very sweet moment between 4 y0 and 1yo.

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We took the long drive to one of our favorite touristy restaurants and had a blast! The wait was an hour, but the kids had a blast playing on the playground and looking at the alligators! yep you heard that right!

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During lunch Let it go came on and 4yo serenaded the whole restaurant with all of her adorable cuteness!

 

After we finished our meal we made our way to the beach! The red flag was up so we couldn’t get in the water, but we enjoyed what we could. 6yo began chasing the seagulls and pigeons yelling BOO at the top of her lungs at them! One of the cutest things I have ever seen and then little man followed suit! Next thing I know me and him are walking up and down the beach chasing Birds yelling Boo! Well more like running because let’s face it my boy doesn’t know how to walk only run.  Let’s just say I got my exercise for the week!

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The hubby and girls stood at the shoreline dipping their toes in the water. I admired my husband from afar while he is holding on tight to those sweet little hands. It always amazes me the love that he has for our children. Like there is no other place he would rather be.

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In reflection Day 1 was a success! Even with all the stress and poor planning we managed to have a wonderful outing! We sure are blessed to live in paradise!

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Woohoo, It’s Vacay time!

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allow me to do a little dance! I’m n vacation..I’m on vacation….

Okay  so now that I have that out-of-the-way, I just wanted to tell all of my friends that this week will be all about the family. While I have some posts scheduled it may take me longer than usual to respond to comments and not because I do not want to . I promise if I do not get to them right away, I will get to them. I know how frustrating it is when you take the time to like and comment on a post to get nothing for a response so I did not want to leave for a week without letting you guys know that I appreciate you and I will respond.

We live near a beach so it is more of a staycation really. It doesn’t matter to me because for one week I will not be called for work related purposes. Just me and my hubby and kiddos spending time together. Maybe a trip to the water park, but no Work! The hubby will get to sleep like a normal person and not get up before the butt crack of dawn and I will not have to stay late to finish up that one last thing that always takes to long to finish.

So to you my friends.. I will see you soon.. If not sooner because we all know that I might have a blogging addiction now!

Remembering Aiden

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Woman were created to have children. Our bodies designed perfectly to have,carry and birth the lives that we have created.  Men cannot do it, they cannot have a child. Which is why childbirth is so special. It’s not because of the horrible pain that we suffer, it’s not because it is truly beautiful, it is in fact kind of gross. Those bloody babies coming out of a hole way too small I might add, but the fact that only we can have this, that makes it special. Which is why it makes it so hard when we can’t. They say miscarriage is common, they say it is normal. But how can it be normal for a woman to fail at something she was so perfectly designed to do?

In reading a fellow blogger’s post about her current situation. It lead me to remember my own. I will never forget my first pregnancy. That’s not to mistake with my first-born, because unfortunately she was not truly the first. It still feels like yesterday that I peed on that silly stick and the pink lines appeared. Giddy and excited I went and bought a stuffed blue stuffed animal and a ducky robe to take to my husband. Surprising him at work with the news. Instantly he was Aiden.  Even though I will never know for sure, he was a boy to us! I always felt this bond to him. A Bond that only lasted seven weeks.

At seven weeks the bleeding began and what started out slow, turned into something major! Awakening in the middle of the night to the worst pain I had ever felt, was both confusing and horrifying. Unable to fully understand what was happening as the Sharp cramps became increasingly frequent, somehow I managed to go back to sleep.  A few short hours later, I had awaken to a massive amount of blood with clots the size of baseballs coming out from inside me. Crying as I called the doctor, she informed to come to the hospital.

Even then I still was unable to fully understand what was happening. As if miscarriage had never crossed my mind. The pain being so severe as my husband holding my had and rubbing my hair. Een with the amount of pain, I still flinched when the nurse came in with the morphine to numb what was happening. I was a mother trying to protect her child, but once he came in with the sedative, I knew what had happened. He didn’t have to say it, I knew that Aiden was gone. A few hours later the Doctor walked in and said the words. It’s just not a viable pregnancy. As if she had said it a million times before and as if it my baby somehow didn’t matter! The heat rose up inside me in that moment but the drugs made it hard for me to react. Tears down my face as I was sent home, still bleeding and the hope of the future gone as soon as it had started.

I eventually had to have a D and C and my body couldn’t even get that right. Everything in me screamed failure! Which is a word that I hate, and if you know me, then you know that I do not fail at anything! The doctor said it was nature’s way of getting rid of a very sick baby and while I know she was trying to put my mind at ease, the only thing she manged to do was piss me off! Others told me well at least it happened early, and that only pissed me off more.

You see, for Seven weeks we had a baby! For seven weeks we had a future planned with a little blond boy named Aiden. pictures of us holding him and singing to him came to mind. Pictures of him being a big brother to his younger sisters and protecting them from all the boys played out in our heads. So no, It doesn’t matter to me that we lost him at seven weeks versus 36! He was our baby. A life and future that was planned.

I remember thinking that I just wasn’t meant to have a baby. Boy was I wrong on that! Now as I look at my three beautiful children, I think of him sometimes. You see for me it means I would have had four children.  Losing him made me realize just how much I wanted to be a mom! How much I needed to be a mom! It took us nine months to conceive the child we would call our first-born. It’s ironic really, It takes nine months to carry a baby, and after the miscarriage it took nine months to conceive our now six-year-old.

We have a wonderful life that is fulfilled with our three happy and healthy kids, but every now and I think of him! He would be eight years old now, would he be playing baseball or would he like sports at all? What would he think of his baby brother? Would he guide him or show him the ropes and play cars with him. They say everything happens for a reason, and I have no choice but to believe this is true. We may not know what the reason is right now, but eventually we will know. For now, while the house is asleep and all is quiet I sit here Remembering Aiden.

One Lovely Blog Award

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okay so true to my Type A personality, I love awards! So I wanted to say Thank you to Crystal Cook for thinking of me for A Lovely Blog award! Crystal is an amazing writer and I have really enjoyed reading her stuff! You should check her out  http://theqwietmuse.com/.

In acceptance, those nominated have a few guidelines to follow:

Thank the person who nominated you for the award.
Add the One Lovely Blog Award logo to your post and/or blog.
Share 7 facts/or things about yourself.
Nominate 15 bloggers you admire and inform nominees by commenting on their blog.

So as for the Seven things about me..Here goes…

  1. I hate cold Weather! would much rather be hot than cold except when I sleep, I crank the air down but then cover up with a heavy blanket! It’s weird I know..

  2. I played the trumpet for Seven years in school and now I couldn’t play a not if I tried!

  3. I can eat a whole Pizza by myself! In fact I just ate five slices of garden fresh Pizza today!

  4. I am an introvert who has had to learn how to be an extrovert for her job! I can do it for work but then need my alone time once done.. I had completed fifteen interviews at work one day last week so after I got off I drove to Books a million and walked around staring at books for two hours before I went home so that I could have my quiet time

  5. I hate math! Hate it with a passion.. But I guess I will have to get used to it because I am taking statistics in the fall.. My idea of hell right there!

  6. Patience is a virtue and I don’t have it! Seriously it is awful I want what I want when I want it and usually I wanted it yesterday.. Makes my husband so irritated

  7. Purple and red are my favorite colors…

Now my nominees are…….

  1. Diana at http://mommyx4boys.wordpress.com/. She blogs about everything from her life struggles to her love of Zombies! She is one of the sweetest persons I have met her in the bloggy land and you will love her too.

  2. Jess at http://mummyofboygirltwins.wordpress.com/. She blogs about life with toddler twins and keeping her sanity. You will not regret checking her out!

  3. Toni at http://tonihammer.com/, I am a recent foollower of her but her posts are always filled with love and humor

  4. April at http://storiesofourboys.com/ who writes about her four boys and life in the military, she is great so go check her out!

  5. Helen at http://clickingmummy.wordpress.com/  I have recently discovered her and she has the cutest pics of her little daughter!

  6. looking glass mama at http://lookingglassmama.wordpress.com/ She is busy moving right now, but her blog is great so check her out too!

Okay so that’s all that I have for now.. I am kind of rule bender  sometimes. Thanks again to Crystal for nominating me and check her blog out because she is great and you will fall in love with her writing!

Breathe

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After such a great week of guest posts, inspirational pieces, I can’t help but feel failure as I fall short this week. The feeling of blah, I’m tired and life stressors  are just taking me over. Yesterday while feeling the tension in my shoulders and back rise, I realized that it had been five days since I had written.  My fellow bloggy friends you understand this as writing is part of who we are. The need to sit down and take the pen to paper is a kind of release and therapy that others pay therapists a lot of money to get. It’s the ramblings of our inner psyche in which we are able to discover and become one with who we are.

Work has been mentally draining this week and part of that is due to my upcoming vacation.  A managers work is never done, and taking a week off means paying for it later. A true leader always worries and has concerns for the team in his/her absence.  I’m not saying that they cannot go on without me because they most certainly can, and a true leader is born when the team can function without one. That’s when you know you have done a job well done! But that in no way means that I do not worry just a little.  But a vacation I must take, it’s time to spend with the wee ones and definitely with the hubby.

In less than a month school will start and in that comes a whole new set of stress. Getting three children to three different places while making it to work on time, with only me myself and I to get them there. The hubby asked me how I planned on managing this task and the only thing I could say was leave the house earlier in the mornings, honestly I wake up at 4:30am as it is, so who knows! The new school year also means that I start back as well as Ballet. Don’t get me wrong I love watching the girls practice and it is so sweet, but the idea of having to make sure that we are there every Wednesday, on time which means I have to leave work early is causing me to panic. The six-year-old wants to take hip hop this year which makes for a long day ending after 7pm which means not getting home until 8 in the evening.

Now as I am sitting her trying to enjoy a peaceful moment after a really long and hectic day, the one year old is apparently not going to fall asleep and is making sure that I know it! The hubby is passed out in the recliner so it’s me taking care of the wee ones, and he deserves to rest but geeze minetti  I’m tired right now. I’m going to try to give him five minutes and see if he will settle down, but his cry is telling me that option is not likely to happen! I have known my son’s cries from the moment he was born and this one is telling me ” Lady, you better come get me because I am not having it right now!” I love that sweet boy, but mommy needs some down time right now.

Stressed and tired with a glass of Pinot in my hand, this is a moment I wish I could bust out my super mom cape recharge and go back at it. I remember one of my very first post and talking about having it all and finding the balance, but the truth is I am not sure you can have it all! There are times that I am focused on family and work may suffer and time where I am focused on work and the family may fall short. I am not saying it’s right or wrong but it is certainly reality.

Thank you for reading my ramblings today as I realize that I am complaining which is something that I normally do not do. It’s the exhaustion and stress kicking in, and maybe the glass of pinot, okay I have only had a few sips, so I can’t blame it on the Pinot, but now as I type I can feel the release and tension drift away from my back and shoulders. The feeling of I can take on the world just might come back as long as I remember the need to write is as apparent in me as the need to inhale and breathe. So this is me just breathing!

Celebrating the Journey

My mom holding me at three months old!

My mom holding me at three months old!

Happy Birthday to me! I just turned thirty-three! Okay, so that was cheesy, but hey I like cheesy sometimes. I have been wondering if I would do a birthday post, and what would I say. Would I do a bucket list, a memory from my childhood, but then Cate at the Clear parent nominated me for the very inspiring Blogger award , and since I have already been nominated by two people, I will just say Thank you Cate for being awesome, checking out my blog and considering inspirational! If you haven’t checked her out go here. http://theclearparent.com/ In attempts to keep up with the inspirational theme, you will read my very own birth story, as I know it of course. I hope you like it!

The journey of my birth as told to me by my mother and grandmother, as well as the hard times that have followed.  As I listen to this story, it reminds me of the great strength that my mother has had. It’s not easy to be nineteen, single and pregnant.

Mom had decided to go swimming with her family, my aunts and their husbands I believe, and after their endeavor she began to feel wet. Thinking nothing of it, she changed clothes but it kept coming. It wasn’t until she had mentioned this to her sister, that she realized what was happening. No this could not be happening, she thought! Not at two months early. But sure enough Her water had broken and she was having a baby!

Born at 4lbs and 4 oz a little newborn me had to spend some time in the neonatal intensive care. I have heard the story many times, but can still hear the pain in her voice as she tells me that leaving the hospital without her baby was the hardest thing she has ever had to do. I guess you could say we were luck, She only had to visit me in the nicu for one month before I was released. Which is not bad considering it could have been a month longer according to my due date.

It was two weeks later as my grandmother was watching me, that she realized that something was wrong. I would love to tell you that it was something subtle that she had picked up on, but sadly I had turned blue. She looked at her little grandchild’s face and it was blue and she was gasping for air. My nanny as I called her, couldn’t reach my mother who was already at the hospital for a checkup so she loaded me in the car and hauled ass to the hospital. I was checked in at the E.R and they found my mom.

Many tests were performed and hen the physician told her it could be one of three things, none of them good and all requiring more testing. Exhausted and tired she listened to the three potential diagnosis. It was either Leukemia, meningitis or heart disease. So test number one commenced and a spinal tap was needed. I honestly don’t know how she had the strength to watch this happen to her child, I admire her because I am just not sure I would have been strong enough to go through this.

The spinal tap was negative and it was decided to proceed with the heart testing and ding,ding,ding We have a winner. It’s called coarctation of the aorta in which a piece of the aorta is narrowed and must be opened or the chance of survival is minimal. We were taken to a larger hospital in which the procedure was done.at 6 weeks old I had open heart surgery. The scar on my back a constant reminder of my survival.

They told her that I would have to have surgery again, that the coarctation would come back, it hasn’t. They told her I may never have children due to possible sterility, I have three. They told her I would have dwarfism, I am short but not that short. The road taken has not been easy. I remember many hospital visits, and pushing around of I.v. poles when I was finally allowed to play with the other kids at the hospital.  I remember not being able to run like the other kids at P. E. But most of all I remember that I above all am here, and it must be according to someone’s plan. I am here for a reason just like every one of you.

The Journey we take leads us to our destination. We do not always understand where the destination will take us, but just like the title of one of my favorite songs.. God Bless The Broken Road that Lead Me Straight To You!

I Blame it on the new Mommy Brain

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In keeping with the mommy confessionals, which was so much fun by the way! I thought I would add another little confessional which will probably cause you guys to laugh at my expense but hey, I’m laughing at myself at this point.

New mommies have what I like to call the new mommy brain, creative, I know, essentially from the  never-ending cycle of eating, sleeping and breathing our newly born babies our brains turn to mush. We can’t think or even have any semblance of rational thinking in that point of our lives.

There is a genuine fear among us for our newly borns. Fear that something is going to go wrong, that they might stop breathing in the middle of the night. At the first sign of a sneeze we take them to the doctor worried it’s a sign of something bad.  Even though sometimes, a sneeze is just a sneeze. We sit by the cradle and watch the rise and fall of their chests because like I said, they just might stop breathing. The hormones turning us into slightly crazed mental patients. The sleep deprivation makes it worse, and no matter what only we can take care of the baby properly. So do not even ask to take that sweet little bundle of joy off our hands, because we will not let you.

In reflecting on this irrational behavior, I have a confession to make. One afternoon I began attempting to clip my first born daughter’s  fingernails. Which seemed like  a simple task at the time, but true to her stubborn self she would not be still. She wiggled and pulled her hand away. Needless to say, she was not having it. But  true to my stubborn ways she was getting it done! So I straddled this poor baby held her hand and clipped away! Well, as she pulled away from me and I seen the drip of red coming from her hand, I began crying hysterically! I had cut my child. and she was going to bleed to death!

All rational thinking went out the door, and I panicked.  holding pressure didn’t seem to help, and no band-aid would go on the finger because of the amount of blood! I called my husband completely hysterical and poor guy didn’t no what to think! Here was his practical, logical, wife who happens to be a nurse, and she was freaking out over a little cut! Yep you read that right! I am a nurse and I was completely panicked! As my hear rate increased and my thoughts got away with my I called 911. Oh yes, I did! Called the ambulance and told them my baby was bleeding!  Vision of her bleeding to death in the car on the emergency room played over in my head, so 911 was the right move. Or at least to me it was at the time.

Now, the poor paramedics came rushing into my house, seen the cut and began laughing. They actually were really sweet about it and eve so efficiently placed a band-aid on my little girl and stopped the bleeding.The gentleman told me stories about when he had his children, and then the lady told me about her son climbing on a dresser. I was thankful that they were so sweet, and then I told them that I felt silly since I was a nurse. Oh boy you couldn’t  contain the laughter! Myself included. The nice gentleman looked at me and said it’s  okay, You have new mommy brain and it will get better!

I’m happy to report brain function is now fully intact, and unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, You have to be near death experience for this mom to take you to the emergency room! Or bleeding heavily. So, How about that for a confession! I’m anxiously awaiting your stories. Share with me your most irrational new mommy moments, you are in good company!

 

Photo credit to Imfunny.net