Posted in mommyhood

I get to do this!

I am sitting her drinking my coffee and thinking about the events for the day ahead. The kids are still asleep so it is just me and all the quiet I will not see again until after bedtime tonight. First we have the 8yo and 3yo’s  soccer games. Then we have lunch and with any luck nap time for the youngest while I clean the house a little. After that, its fall festivals and Halloween trunk or treats. We have missed several activities due to our new found love of soccer, so there will be trunk or treating! Busy schedules and party planning be damned!

When people first hear that I work full time, am a student anywhere from full time to part time, and manage a blog, they often look at me and claim I am super woman. The next question almost always follows suit. “How do you do it”?  I typically laugh this off to keep the conversation light and provide my standard response of “I just don’t stop and think about it.”

The truth is, I think about it. I am exhausted and most days seem to daunting. I am not the supermom that everyone seems to think that I am. I cry out of sheer exhaustion. Today, I set my alarm at 4am  on a Saturday to complete homework, because I can barely keep my eyes open at 9pm at night. Today, I am up at 4am to begin house cleaning for my son’s birthday party tomorrow, because tonight I will spend time with my kids.

I read a paragraph two days ago that spoke to me on a level I didn’t realize I needed. The passage talked about feeling overwhelmed by daunting tasks. This one line has changed my way of thinking ( at least for now) for the better. When you feel life is overwhelming you, train your thinking from I have to do this, to I get to do this!

When I think of all the things I get to do, I am overwhelmed with pride and happiness instead of exhaustion and hopelessness. I get to be my children’s mom and I get to go to school. I have spoken to many woman who would like to go to school, but can’t because their spouse isn’t supportive of the decision or there are financial impacts that they just can’t manage right now.

I get to be a working mom who loves her job and her children. I get to work at a job that allows me to put my children first and remains supportive and flexible when I need to attend a seminar at the kids school, or take them to their appointments. I get to take my kids to soccer practice and see the enjoyment on their faces when they kick the ball down the field. I get to do this!

While it has only been a couple of days, these few little words have been life changing! I encourage you to try it when you feel life is daunting. Share your stories and comments below. What do you get to do?






Posted in mommyhood

Fun on the Farm


Oh how I love the fall! The cool crisp air, and the colors of orange, red and green everywhere. The pumpkin spice latte’s and apple crisps. This time of year just makes you want to head outdoors and have some fun.

One of my favorite things to do is going to the pumpkin patch at one of our local farms and just enjoy being outdoors as a family. The kids get ridiculously dirty and we all leave exhausted.

This year we had my best friend and her kids join us. What happens when you have six kids ages 9 and under at the pumpkin patch together? A whole lot of chaos that is what. We couldn’t take our eyes off those little suckers for a second. Someone was always disappearing and the sibling fights, lord the sibling fights. I was just grateful that it wasn’t my kids this time. While going through the corn maze her two boys decided that it would be best to beat the living crap out of each other while trying to find their way out. It was pretty smart actually, there was no where for little brother to run to. we were stuck in nothing but corn!

My kids actually behaved this time, and I was equally boasting at their good behavior and suspicious. What did they want? no really, they were behaving pretty decently which allowed me to help my friend. Her hubby had to work, so it was her and the kids. I have totally been there. I am glad she came though, sometimes you just want another mom around to commiserate with you.

img_4573The farm had a great playground for the kids, and even had some go carts for the kids. Really they were pedal cars that looked like go carts. In true farm fashion, there was a huge dirt hill for all the kids to slide down. Did I mention the kids got  filthy? Thank goodness we learned our lesson last year, and put the kids in old clothes that we didn’t care if they got dirty. Last year, each kid had a brand new outfit and ruined them. lessons learned…lessons learned. IMG_4630.JPG


At the end of the day we let the kids each pick out one pumpkin. There is just something about picking out a pumpkin from a real life pumpkin patch that just makes the season more official. That and pumpkin spice latte’s.. those are good too! What is your favorite thing about fall? Please share your stories with me🙂


Posted in acceptance

A year later….

It has been a year. One year ago, i was sitting on a couch crying my eyes out. It’s been one year since we received 7yo’s unofficial diagnosis, as well as her official one. One year ago we were sitting at a licensed therapist office as she was explaining that our child is barely holding it together. It was one year ago when she told us, that our then seven-year old has symptoms of clinical depression and OCD tendencies.

It wasn’t long after that first meeting that we received her official diagnosis of MTHFR. A genetic mutation that can cause depression and a laundry list of other things. I would love to tell you that this past year has been easy, but it hasn’t. I would love to tell you that we have arrived and all is right in the world and that would be equally true and untrue.

It has been a year of learning patience ( I am still working on this one), understanding and challenges that I never thought we would face as parents this early in the game. When your child has a physical illness, it’s  for the most part simple. you know what to do. They have a fever, you give Tylenol. Step throat? we got meds to fix that. But OCD and Depression, well… that’s not so easy.

For this entire year, we have visited the therapist every two weeks without fail. We have tried journaling, and other techniques. WE have made a lot of progress, but still ways to go. She has went from having a complete flat affect to showing facial expressions and excitement. She continues to open up to me a little more every day. Whether it be friendship troubles or a sibling spat, she is starting to feel comfortable talking to me about those things. She doesn’t always push me away when I try to comfort her now. Before, she would scream and push me away if I came near her when she was upset. It is awful to feel like there is nothing you can do to help your child.

My favorite progress so far is her ability to show her excitement. To have true facial expressions. It was completely heartbreaking to see my 7yo never show excitement.  Slightly less than a year ago, I began to write the following :

Depression on my seven-year old is riding the merry-go-round and never smiling. Imagine going round and round on that shiny horse and feeling nothing. When most kids are smiling and laughing, mine is flat. No expression, just hollow inside.

Depression in a seven-year old is never wanting to play outside.  It is choosing to isolate yourself, even in your own family. It is sitting in the hallway and reading versus playing in the living room with your siblings.

This year, I pray for continued progress. For my daughter to better understand feelings and emotions. I pray more than anything for my daughter to tell me she loves me. Something she has said only a handful of times in her life. She simply does not understand emotions and seems unsure of what she feels.

This road will never be easy. It will be hard, it will be painful. It is parenting.

Trust in my unfailing love .. I am in control – Jesus Always


Posted in mommyhood

When you can’t be everything…give yourself a little grace


There are days when you feel like you are rocking the mom department, and days when you feel like there just isn’t enough of you to go around. The 7yo has been sick and began to lose her voice, when she spiked a fever and actually asked for pain medicine for her throat. She no longer has her tonsils, however it is still possible for her to get strep throat. The decision was made to take her to the doctor this morning. Get her tested just in case.

You are probably wondering what the dilemma is at this point. Well, you see it’s Saturday and 8yo’s very first soccer game! You read that right. My shy, introverted little girl has decided that soccer looks fun enough to join. After weeks of her asking, we decided to let her try it and see how things go. So far, she really seems to enjoy it and says it is her favorite sport. Her game is at the same time as her brother’s so we decided that dividing and conquering the games would be best. Her request was that mommy watch her play first. Sigh.. now how to break the news.

As I am caring for the 7yo, I am blaming myself. Why can’t I be two places at once? Why can’t I be everything to everyone? Why can’t I meet all of my children’s needs? Why am I not enough? Yes, I was having a moment. This first game is important to me, but taking care of 7yo is also very important.

After calling  the husband at work, who will soon be on his way home , it was time to tell 8yo. Bracing myself for an emotional upset, I explained the situation. I told her that 7yo is sick and mommy has to take her to get checked out. I will have to miss the game. Bracing myself, ,my 8yo gave me the grace I didn’t realize I needed. The grace that I had refused to give myself. She simply looks at my and says ” It’s okay mommy. You have a really good reason for not coming.”

Sometimes I forget that this child is wise beyond her years. Sometimes I forget that despite her OCD, anxiety and emotional issues, she has made amazing progress. Sometimes, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and forget to give myself a little grace. Today, this child gave me the grace I needed. Today, god gave me the grace I needed. I had written hopes of attending the game, when the pediatrician said that 7yo simply had seasonal allergies. He sore throat from pure sinus drainage. We even made it to the soccer game in time to watch most of 8yo’s game! Some might question, the need for all this drama, but I know it was gods way of teaching me to have a little grace🙂



Posted in mommyhood

First Grade



The fist day of school and she could hardly contain her excitement. My kids are those little freaky kids who actually like school! Well, at least one of them does. It’s now a month later and the 7yo is telling me how she doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow. She had a rough year in Kindergarten and wasn’t as prepared as she should be. We passed, but she still has a tough road ahead. Reading has been a struggle for her despite our love or books and constant reading at home.

It was the second week of school, when I called the teacher in a panic. WE cannot have the same year all over again, and what is the deal with all this homework! She has more homework than my third grader, and I really do not remember my third grader having this much when she was in first grade just two years ago. The teacher and I talked for nearly an hour. Explaining, to me the higher standard this year. Guess what? The teachers do not like it either. We spend nearly two hours each night reading, practicing spelling words and learning vocabulary. Yep, my sweet first grader who is struggling to read also has to learn the meaning behind other words that are not her sight words. Sigh!

Needless to say, this is going to be a tough year. I jut wish the public school system focused on other things, besides standardized tests at the age of seven! They should be learning creatively, and while I think the teacher is doing her best, she is inhibited by certain standards for herself as a teacher. It stinks. I have been praying for mini me non stop, to build her confidence so she can enjoy school. It is such a special time. Every chance I get, I tell her how proud of her that she works so hard and is so persistent in her learning. She is so smart, and we just have to keep focused. I just wish there wasn’t so much homework and stress for these little first graders.


Posted in mommyhood, The letter series

Bye Bye Tonsils

Dear Buddy,

Thursday we sad Good-Bye to your tonsils. Your tonsils were very large and you had a condition known as obstructive sleep apnea. This condition caused you to stop breathing in your sleep. Scary, i know. I am amazed at how well you handled going in to surgery. I explained to you what was going to happen in words you could understand and you were fine with it. The nurses fawned all over you which of course you loved, and you even got to wear what you called emoji socks. The nurse thought that was too cute. I explained that your sisters have somewhat of an emoji obsession so you knew the term very well.

When the nurse asked if you wanted to ride in the wagon to the OR, you didn’t hesitate to jump in. I felt equally relieved and fearful of your braveness and courage. Part of my heart left with you as you went into surgery. You see, I am always with you. Always.

Once i sat back down in the waiting room i prayed for the doctors and nurses to have a healing hand and for a perfect surgery. There is always a risk with surgery and no one knows that better than your mom. Being a nurse is a blessing and a curse, because i always  know how to make  you feel better but i always know th worst case scenario.

What was roughly an hour, felt like eternity when the doctor came out and said you did great! He said that your tonsils had filled your entire air space and you should be able to breathe better almost immediately. We knew those suckers were big, but just didn’t know how big.

You were still sleeping when i arrived to recovery. Tears came to my eyes as i laid eyes on you. It’s one thing for someone to tell you your little boy is okay, but it is another story for you to see it for your own eyes. You had a wonderful nurse who took such good care of you. She was my favorite by far. I will always be grateful for her moment in your life.  You woke up from anesthesia peacefully and we immediately gave you a popsicle, which you loved. You ate  three orange popsicles just in the recovery unit alone.

Because of your age, we had to stay overnight in the hospital which you were not so understanding about. Every few minutes you would look at me and say “I’m done, I want out.” I remember thinking you must feel like you are in jail or something.

Do you remember peeing on me while I gave you pain medicine that night? Oh yeah, you didn’t like the pain medicine and made sure i knew it too. That poor nurse had to wash mommy’s clothes including my underwear because it was all I had with me at the time.

Thankfully the doctor came early the next morning and let us go home. You have done pretty well, but i am thankful you will never remember the pain. If anything i hope you remember all the cuddles we have shared. The other night, we were cuddling and i told you how sorry i was that you were in pain and felt so bad, your response melted my heart and suddenly i could hang on just  a little longer. You rubbed your hand on my cheek and said “It’s okay mommy, I love you!”  Even when you are stressed, in pain and exhausted, you are still the sweetest little boy. I hope you never lose that trait. Know that no matter what, I always love you too, and my heart is always with you.