Posted in looking through the eyes

A life not planned…

looking back to sunnier skies
looking back to sunnier skies

The alarm goes off and I must arise. I must get the kids fed, clothed and out the door for school. There are five of us siblings, and I am the oldest at 20 years old. The little one is two and it has been a week since mom became ill.  I have missed my all classes this week, the teachers graciously understand. The two-year old has a cold, so I must stay home with her.  Our father isn’t around, in fact we haven’t seen him in years. I would really like to visit mom, but between the cooking,cleaning and shopping, helping with homework, well ..there is just so much to do. She must be super woman to do this all alone. I never should have yelled at her for not buying that new shirt I wanted. It seems so trivial now.  The phone rings, and it’s the hospital.  With hopes of a your mommy is coming home call, instead I get A woman saying that the doctor would like to set up a meeting to discuss  mothers condition.  reluctantly I  agree. Now on to more calls to get a sitter. The neighbor graciously agrees to watch the little one, so I can go see about my mom. It won’t take long.. I  will be back soon…

As I arrive to my mothers bedside, The sight of her, I was not prepared for.  The warmth of tears sliding down my cheeks.The tremble in my hands as they are brought to my face.  This person, she .. she can’t be my mom. I mean she  looks like my mom, but at the same time she does not. This person is pale, ill, with a  tube  of sorts  sticking out of her neck. Her eyes are look strange, they are open, but it is as if she can’t see me. I try to say the words mom, but a lump in my throat prevents me to speak. Just tears….salty tears… A man walks in who seems irritated. He’s telling me I should have been on time for our appointment. A young lady comes in with him, and she says she is the nurse. He begins to tell me that she came in with flu-like symptoms and that she had the swine flu. She is thirty-six years old, had recovered, but then something happened.  I can’t hear what he is saying, because I look at mom, and she isn’t my mom anymore. She doesn’t speak, will not hold my hand. I break down, I don’t want to hear anymore. GET OUT! YOU DID THIS TO HER! I SCREAM! LASHING OUT AT ANYONE WHO CAN HEAR ME.  The doctor, if you can call him that, nods his head and says, we need to know your decision soon. What decision? He never asked me about any decisions. I don’t know what he is talking about. As I sit alone, by my mother’s side, I Shake her! Wake up! what is wrong with you!I am angry at her! I can’t take care of all of these kids! I need your help. my head is swirling.. School…Kids… minimum wage job….how can I pay bills….no support system…rent… sobbing. all I can do is sob. I Who at my age has to take care of their five siblings, who at my age has to feel this way.it’s time to go pick up the little kids from school and regretfully I must leave. Before I leave, the nurse tells me what time to meet the doctor tomorrow.

It’s the next day, I feel exhausted. Need caffeine, didn’t sleep.. baby waking up.. cough, I hope she doesn’t  have the flu. I’m at my mom’s bedside, telling her only she would understand, she is the only one I can talk to. I just want to call my mommy. except I am not sure she can hear me. The doctor walks in, this time with a preacher man. What is going on.. My mom is not dying, Why is he here? The doctor tells me. he is here to help me, help you understand. Your mom had the flu, She recovered from the flu. and then began to have trouble breathing. She went into cardiac and respiratory arrest and was under for a long time.. What does that even mean? she went in to Arrest… she went  under! I didn’t go to medical school! I don’t know what that means.The preacher man chimes in. Your mother stopped breathing and the doctors did the best they could. now the doctor. She has anoxic brain injury! What the hell is that! Fix it! Just fix it! Ma’am, the doctor starts to speak.. Who are you calling ma’am! I am twenty year old, a college student for god’s sake! The doctor continues, after performing all of the tests,  we have determine she is brain-dead and will never have any quality of life. We need your consent to place her on hospice and make her as comfortable as possible. The room is spinning, it kind of reminds me when we went to Disney world and rode the tea cups, except instead of delight,and happiness..  I feel empty with this sensation of lunch regurgitating  up my throat! My mind is screaming SHE IS RIGHT HERE! HOW CAN SHE BE DEAD! YOU ARE A LIAR! lashing out, without thinking I am punching the doctor. he holds me close and tells me it will be okay, but I do not believe him. how can he say that. I simply will not make this decision and you will do everything you can. You will not kill my mom. as long as she is breathing, then she is alive. That is my decision.. I can’t deal with this …

A week goes by and the exhaustion sets in. between the kids and working while visiting my mother in between, I have not slept. Coffee helps me get through. I bring pictures that the kids have drawn and tell her about our day. praying for sign of life to return. There is a tube in her stomach now, that is giving her liquid to feed her. I have dropped all of my classes, and while my teachers say they understand , I could see the disappointment in their eyes.  I pray every morning for the glorious day that my mother will wake up, even though the medical authorities say she will not. They are not god, what do they really know. Every moment is stressful,every moment is hard, Every moment is not the life i had planned, but I am in  the hands of my lord, and with knowing that, This is the path that has been chosen for me.. I am not alone…I am not aloneafter the storm…Sunny skies will  lay ahead…

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/27/writing-challenge-shoes/

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This post is my version of the  eyes of a patients family member, as a part of the weekly writing challenge.

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Author:

I am a wife of ten years, mom of three, Nurse and student! My household is quite chaotic and busy. With a six year old going on sixteen. we shall call her "Sassy", a four year old, who is stubborn as a mule, she shall be called " mini me", and a one year old, we will call "Buddy". Our girls do Ballet, and our son, well he is all boy! Very curious and always getting in to something. When we found out we were having a boy i laughed and said " god must have known we needed a little less diva in our life," Ha, little boys are quite the handful! I love my kids with all of my heart, and i love my job too! As a nurse leader i get to see many sides to healthcare and help encourage and guide new nurses. I love taking care of patients and being able to have grown up talk and then come home to my babies. The house is usually chaotic with lots of tantrums, and messes, but i wouldn't change it for a bit. On the rare occasion that i am able to have some spare time to myself, i like to read, bake and decorate cakes, and take pictures of my kiddos. Time to myself is rare so i decided to start this blog to have a creative outlet and connect with other working moms, who might be going through the same situations as myself. I hope you enjoy my thoughts and stories as a mom, student, wife and Nurse! These stories will range from Diapers and tutus to meetings and boardrooms! and everything that falls in between. Enjoy and thanks for visiting my site.

8 thoughts on “A life not planned…

  1. How sad, and jarring. Your level of empathy for this stranger is so clear in your vision through their eyes. If everyone could be so fair in their walking-in-someones-shoes, the world would be a better place. Thanks for participating in this week’s challenge!

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