You Cannot control what others say, but you can do your part to contribute to society. This type of thinking can at first appear as a hard-hearted, selfish way of thinking but if a person maintains a desire to see humanity flourish then they can show how beneficial this very way of living really is.
Just a few days ago, this one paragraph shook me to my core. As I sat in my chair reading this discussion post for my philosophy class, he will never know how true and how much I needed to read his words. So profound, so philosophical as cliché as that sounds. A fixer by nature, always an overachiever. 150% isn’t good enough and failure is not in my vocabulary. Essentially I am a control freak!
Within the past few weeks, I have not only been unable to fix it, I have felt powerless, lost hope and began to feel like I have failed. When you see something coming so far ahead of time, and you try,try to try to fix it, but can’t on your own. It is difficult to accept. It’s hard for me to accept what I cannot change. At work things have been more mentally draining, stressful and exhausting than ever before. I knew this train would derail, but just because I seen it coming does not mean that I enjoy saying I Told you so! As a person who has a hard time showing her emotions, I have cried more Frustrated tears than I ever thought I had in me. Tears make you Vulnerable and this is also not in my vocabulary. But as I read this statement,I feel equally humbled,completely vulnerable and free at the same time. That is when the floods of the Nile began to run down my cheeks once again. shear freedom and relief came over me as I began to allow myself to cry and truly feel what is happening in my world. Freedom to know that it is okay to let go, while staying strong and weak at the same time. Freedom to believe that I can turn it around and in a few months we will fix this and my team will once again have faith in me and our mission.
At 5’1″ I have small shoulders, but these small shoulders can hold so much! They can take on the world, but what it can’t take is when those closest to you lose faith in you. My team’s morale is at an all time low, and even though I know I was doing everything I could at the time, my team could not see it. I know its pure frustration on their part, but it feels as if my own child has slapped me in the face.
A wise house supervisor told me today, that when it gets hard, the easiest person to lash out to is mama. Well, this certainly does not make me look forward to my children’s teenage years then. I guess this experience will in essence prepare me for that adventure too. But thanks to the above quote the well has dried up, the tears are gone., and I will become a stronger leader because of it. I in essence will accept what I cannot change and change what I can. Some will not stick around, and that’s okay. If they can’t handle the bad times then they are not meant to be here for the good. I will execute a plan to build the team work and morale to perform our mission and values. Just like a marriage we have had our good times, and I am certainly not running from the bad times. I cannot change or control what was said, but I can control how I choose to handle it. God put me in this position for a reason, and in nearly three years me and my team has accomplished so much! I will choose to not lose sight of that and build a stronger team as a result. I will become stronger and yes, this tiny little control freak will learn how to accept the things that she cannot change.
Have you eve felt powerless, vulnerable, afraid? Are you a control freak afraid to let go? Tell me your stories and please help me feel more sane about my own feeling to keep constant control. I will tell you this has been quite exhausting and it’s time to let go!