Posted in acceptance

Is it really any easier

clouds

I didn’t get to visit my mom on Mother’s day, so last night I took her on a night out. We had dinner and watched Heaven is for real!  Her movie choice stunned me, as I didn’t think she would want to see this type of movie. For those of you that have followed me early on, then you might know why. My brother at the age of 23 was unexpectedly taken from us. To say this has been difficult for my mother would be an understatement. While in the car driving, she made a statement that just really stuck with me. She said I think it would have been easier if he had died younger. If he was a little boy and hadn’t grown up. I think it would have been easier to accept,

I can’t even begin to understand the loss of a child, nor do I want to. The mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes, and then I have to think of something else. It’s just too painful. But it leaves me to question, Is it really any easier to lose a child early on rather than later? Or is the loss of a child, the loss of a child no matter the age?

For me I would have to say The loss of a child is an unspeakable loss, no matter the age.  No matter what age, they will always be taken too soon. There will always be  something that wasn’t accomplished in his or her life. Whether it be getting married, having children in my brother’s case. Or it be never going to high school and graduating in those children’s who left this world at an early age.

I imagine that my mom thinking that if only she had lost him sooner… brings her some comfort. Like if she had to lose him, then if only he was younger, then I could have handled it. But the truth is, I can’t imagine. I can’t understand, I can’t possibly know. I’ll be quite honest in saying that I am glad that I can’t imagine, that I can’t understand, and that I can’t possible know.  Parents aren’t supposed to out live their children. It’s not supposed to work that way. The pain is insufferable and like my mom, she is expected to move on, when the whole world has stopped in that moment. The moment she had received the call that he had been shot as a result of a robbery. The four-year anniversary of his death is in August, and even though it will be almost four years, She says she still feels like the call came yesterday.

I try to be understanding, but I also encourage her to move on. I am quite possible wrong in doing this, because the mere thought of that kind of pain, completely cripples me. So maybe I should just let her grieve, and when she is ready, then she will be able to move forward. It’s hard to see your parents in that kind of pain, with all of the memories that we have and all of the memories that we will never have again. It is a terrible pain, like no other.

For all of you parents who have lost a child, I am truly sorry for the loss you have experienced. I hope there is something that I could say to provide you comfort,and peace.  But leading back to my mom’s statement in the car… Do you believe it would be easier to lose a child early on in life or a little later when they are older? Is it really easier either way?

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Author:

I am a wife of ten years, mom of three, Nurse and student! My household is quite chaotic and busy. With a six year old going on sixteen. we shall call her "Sassy", a four year old, who is stubborn as a mule, she shall be called " mini me", and a one year old, we will call "Buddy". Our girls do Ballet, and our son, well he is all boy! Very curious and always getting in to something. When we found out we were having a boy i laughed and said " god must have known we needed a little less diva in our life," Ha, little boys are quite the handful! I love my kids with all of my heart, and i love my job too! As a nurse leader i get to see many sides to healthcare and help encourage and guide new nurses. I love taking care of patients and being able to have grown up talk and then come home to my babies. The house is usually chaotic with lots of tantrums, and messes, but i wouldn't change it for a bit. On the rare occasion that i am able to have some spare time to myself, i like to read, bake and decorate cakes, and take pictures of my kiddos. Time to myself is rare so i decided to start this blog to have a creative outlet and connect with other working moms, who might be going through the same situations as myself. I hope you enjoy my thoughts and stories as a mom, student, wife and Nurse! These stories will range from Diapers and tutus to meetings and boardrooms! and everything that falls in between. Enjoy and thanks for visiting my site.

25 thoughts on “Is it really any easier

  1. I’m with you in feeling like it is too difficult to even think about. I think younger is harder. Thinking about Sandy Hook, the country emotionally suffered much more than other tragedies of loss if life. Children represent innocence.

    1. Suzanne I agree with you. I cried for days after the Sandy hook tragedy! I cried on Christmas too thinking of All those parents who’s children would never open their presents under the tree. So when my girls had a huge snow ball fight in my kitchen with flour, (we live in tropical weather so no real snow here) I let them! People thought I was nuts because of the huge mess I had to clean uo, but to this day it is one of my favorite memories 🙂 after all, my children were home and safe that Christmas and others couldn’t say the same. I still worryevery morning I drop my daughter off to school.

  2. I am very sorry about the loss of your brother. And No it isnt any easier to lose a child earlier. I lost my daughter Rain, when she was a baby, and there isnt anything I wouldnt give just to have some more time with her.

  3. The pain is unimaginable either way. I think the concept behind losing them earlier is that you won’t know them as well. Maybe, even happy memories being heartbreaking, makes it feel that if you had fewer it would hurt less. Perhaps, making a twenty year investment in a relationship feels like a heavier investment, and therefore a “greater loss.” I’m sorry that you lost your brother and your mother her child. I wish headlong for you both.

    1. Thank you, I think you are right. For her it feels like she would not have as many memories and therfore might be a little easier. THANK YOU for your kind word.

  4. This is a powerful and deeply honest post. As a mother, I cannot imagine losing my child at any age. I also cried for days after the Sandy Hook tragedy. It seems an insufferable pain, I imagine. Having lost my mom recently to cancer, this post brought tears to my eyes as my grief is still strong. I am sorry for the loss of your brother and I send loving thoughts to your mom for her loss as well. Thank you for sharing.

    1. First let me say that I am sorry for your loss, with your mom passing recently I imagine this post felt close to home, thank you for your kind words, you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through the grieving process.

  5. I cant imagine how it must feel either. No parent expects their child to pass away at such a young age. Sorry for your loss, my condolences.

  6. Very sorry about your brother. While my daughter is still alive, I know what it’s like to take care of a child then never see them again. She was two the last time I saw her. While I suffer memory loss (short and long resulting from a head injury) I remember my daughter ever so clear. Mother’s Day is difficult for me and also for my mum (my grandmother passed on a May 11 Mother’s Day).

    1. Lana, I can’t imagine what you are going throigh, and I am terribly sorry you are having to go through it! I’m glad that you have her memories and wish you could have more. My thought are with you this eveing. Thanks for reading.

  7. I can say for sure that no age, young or old, is better or worse in the loss of a child. My brother took his life in 2011. He was 53 years old. My mother tried desperately to keep it from happening when he started going downhill. She has never resolved, understood, or gotten past it, though she is trying to live her life the best she can. It was a horrible event and something a person always feels as though they might have been able to prevent.

    1. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother! I don’t think there is anything your mom could have done to prevent it, but I can’t begin to imagine what she must be feeling. I know for my own mother, she is trying to live her life but she just isn’t the same anymore. She has been forever changed.

      1. I agree. And no, mom couldn’t have prevented it. Maybe she, through sheer determination, kept him from making the choice sooner, but it was inevitable. Life is crazy. You just have to embrace it all and keep enjoying all that you can. 🙂 Partly for him I paint the way I do. And Mom writes her books to keep sane.

  8. Thankfully I do not know the pain of losing a child. It must be the worst thing. I think losing them earlier or later both have pros and cons. Probably, neither is best. In both ways a life has been wasted.
    A young child has their whole life ahead of them and you wouldn’t get to see them grow and become an individual. That’s sad. An older child has become a stronger part in your life and has also built up.a life of his own, therefore cutting a world of opportunity short. That’s sad too. I don’t know if your mum is right or wrong. It can’t be easy either way. Just my thoughts… So sorry for your loss.

    1. Thank you, and I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. I imagine it to be something that she says as a way to help with the grief. I wish I could help her, but she doesn’t want to be helped. So I just listen when she needs it and let her be alone when she needs that too! Thanks for reading.

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