Posted in acceptance

Remembering Aiden

miscarriage

Woman were created to have children. Our bodies designed perfectly to have,carry and birth the lives that we have created.  Men cannot do it, they cannot have a child. Which is why childbirth is so special. It’s not because of the horrible pain that we suffer, it’s not because it is truly beautiful, it is in fact kind of gross. Those bloody babies coming out of a hole way too small I might add, but the fact that only we can have this, that makes it special. Which is why it makes it so hard when we can’t. They say miscarriage is common, they say it is normal. But how can it be normal for a woman to fail at something she was so perfectly designed to do?

In reading a fellow blogger’s post about her current situation. It lead me to remember my own. I will never forget my first pregnancy. That’s not to mistake with my first-born, because unfortunately she was not truly the first. It still feels like yesterday that I peed on that silly stick and the pink lines appeared. Giddy and excited I went and bought a stuffed blue stuffed animal and a ducky robe to take to my husband. Surprising him at work with the news. Instantly he was Aiden.  Even though I will never know for sure, he was a boy to us! I always felt this bond to him. A Bond that only lasted seven weeks.

At seven weeks the bleeding began and what started out slow, turned into something major! Awakening in the middle of the night to the worst pain I had ever felt, was both confusing and horrifying. Unable to fully understand what was happening as the Sharp cramps became increasingly frequent, somehow I managed to go back to sleep.  A few short hours later, I had awaken to a massive amount of blood with clots the size of baseballs coming out from inside me. Crying as I called the doctor, she informed to come to the hospital.

Even then I still was unable to fully understand what was happening. As if miscarriage had never crossed my mind. The pain being so severe as my husband holding my had and rubbing my hair. Een with the amount of pain, I still flinched when the nurse came in with the morphine to numb what was happening. I was a mother trying to protect her child, but once he came in with the sedative, I knew what had happened. He didn’t have to say it, I knew that Aiden was gone. A few hours later the Doctor walked in and said the words. It’s just not a viable pregnancy. As if she had said it a million times before and as if it my baby somehow didn’t matter! The heat rose up inside me in that moment but the drugs made it hard for me to react. Tears down my face as I was sent home, still bleeding and the hope of the future gone as soon as it had started.

I eventually had to have a D and C and my body couldn’t even get that right. Everything in me screamed failure! Which is a word that I hate, and if you know me, then you know that I do not fail at anything! The doctor said it was nature’s way of getting rid of a very sick baby and while I know she was trying to put my mind at ease, the only thing she manged to do was piss me off! Others told me well at least it happened early, and that only pissed me off more.

You see, for Seven weeks we had a baby! For seven weeks we had a future planned with a little blond boy named Aiden. pictures of us holding him and singing to him came to mind. Pictures of him being a big brother to his younger sisters and protecting them from all the boys played out in our heads. So no, It doesn’t matter to me that we lost him at seven weeks versus 36! He was our baby. A life and future that was planned.

I remember thinking that I just wasn’t meant to have a baby. Boy was I wrong on that! Now as I look at my three beautiful children, I think of him sometimes. You see for me it means I would have had four children.  Losing him made me realize just how much I wanted to be a mom! How much I needed to be a mom! It took us nine months to conceive the child we would call our first-born. It’s ironic really, It takes nine months to carry a baby, and after the miscarriage it took nine months to conceive our now six-year-old.

We have a wonderful life that is fulfilled with our three happy and healthy kids, but every now and I think of him! He would be eight years old now, would he be playing baseball or would he like sports at all? What would he think of his baby brother? Would he guide him or show him the ropes and play cars with him. They say everything happens for a reason, and I have no choice but to believe this is true. We may not know what the reason is right now, but eventually we will know. For now, while the house is asleep and all is quiet I sit here Remembering Aiden.

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Author:

I am a wife of ten years, mom of three, Nurse and student! My household is quite chaotic and busy. With a six year old going on sixteen. we shall call her "Sassy", a four year old, who is stubborn as a mule, she shall be called " mini me", and a one year old, we will call "Buddy". Our girls do Ballet, and our son, well he is all boy! Very curious and always getting in to something. When we found out we were having a boy i laughed and said " god must have known we needed a little less diva in our life," Ha, little boys are quite the handful! I love my kids with all of my heart, and i love my job too! As a nurse leader i get to see many sides to healthcare and help encourage and guide new nurses. I love taking care of patients and being able to have grown up talk and then come home to my babies. The house is usually chaotic with lots of tantrums, and messes, but i wouldn't change it for a bit. On the rare occasion that i am able to have some spare time to myself, i like to read, bake and decorate cakes, and take pictures of my kiddos. Time to myself is rare so i decided to start this blog to have a creative outlet and connect with other working moms, who might be going through the same situations as myself. I hope you enjoy my thoughts and stories as a mom, student, wife and Nurse! These stories will range from Diapers and tutus to meetings and boardrooms! and everything that falls in between. Enjoy and thanks for visiting my site.

16 thoughts on “Remembering Aiden

    1. Thank you, I just hope my story helps others are experiencing what I have experienced nine years ago. The world wants to tell you that it wasn’t a baby, but he was to me. Your words are much appreciated!

      1. The world is seldom understanding or empathetic. Every life, no matter how long it was lived, served some purpose. Like you said, we may not know just what that purpose was, but we do know it had value. {{{hugs}}}

  1. I lost my first baby too. My very first post on my very first blog. my first blog mikaelaciel. mikaela if a girl and ciel if boy. Thats why this month was super hard. I’m supposed to have him this month. but yes- I believe the reason why they didnt get to be with us is because they are too beautiful for earth. Thats what the angels said. 🙂

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