Posted in acceptance

The last conversation

candle-and-heart

Standing in my closet, just staring at it. Disbelief that it has been so long, that the years have just passed right on by. Today marks the anniversary of my brother’s death. The day his life was taken from us. Today he is but a mere memory pushed back in the depths of my brain only to be conjured up at the most unexpected moment.

Four years since his passing, and I remember every detail from that day. The hubby and I had taken the little ones only the two girls then, to a nearby bounce house and a seafood lunch where my then almost one year old ate fried alligator. Coming home exhausted and putting the kiddos to bed to only be awaken by that phone call.  The phone call that changed my family forever. I didn’t answer it right away, but listened to the voicemail of my sister that seemed quite off to me. So i called her back to listen to her hysterical attempt at trying to tell me what was happening. He’s been shot she finally uttered out and instinctively I knew! In his early twenties my brother was dead.

She was telling me to come, and kept repeating he had been shot when finally I yelled is he alive.  after sobbing for what felt like forever she was able to say no! As the tears filled my eyes, I grabbed my keys and took off to my parents. I am the strong one, so I had to quickly dry my eyes, they would need  my strength to get through this. then one by one I called the extended family to tell them the news. Listening to their hysterics, I remained calm.

The last time I had spoken to my brother, he had called me at work. He was feeling ill and asked me what to take. I was in the middle of a meeting and told him to call back. Telling him I loved him but please call back. Oh how I wish he would call me again, in a meeting, it doesn’t matter. you see, we weren’t  particularly close. We didn’t talk every day like him and my younger sister. honestly I can’t tell you what our last real conversation was about. He was my younger brother and I took advantage of the notion that he would always be there.

Today as I look at the dress, with tears in my eyes, I think of him. The good, the bad and since he was my little brother, the down right annoying. I remember his laugh and the way he loved everyone. He took after my dad that way. His lack of self-esteem masked with his often times over confidence. Picturing him as a little boy chasing my sister and I with one of our dad’s belts. His football games and race car. how he used to want a baby so bad, and I would laugh and say he was too young. I think about what his child would be like, but then am thankful he didn’t have to leave one behind.

All of it comes flooding back. Every childhood memory,every phone conversation, every angry spat as siblings have. But the one thing that does not come, is the last real conversation that we had. I can’t find it, can’t even begin to find it. frustration sets in as the harder I try the harder it is to see.

I look at my children now, as young as they are but how close they are and I pray. I pray for that closeness to last forever! I pray that they always end every conversation with I love you. I pray that life doesn’t keep them from staying the best of friends. That their children grow up being as close as siblings. I look at them and think how quickly things change. Out life on this earth is not promised to us. Every day is not so freely given. It is precious, it is a gift. Tonight I will hug my husband and kids a little tighter as I try to remember the last real conversation!

photo credit to patheos.com

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Author:

I am a wife of ten years, mom of three, Nurse and student! My household is quite chaotic and busy. With a six year old going on sixteen. we shall call her "Sassy", a four year old, who is stubborn as a mule, she shall be called " mini me", and a one year old, we will call "Buddy". Our girls do Ballet, and our son, well he is all boy! Very curious and always getting in to something. When we found out we were having a boy i laughed and said " god must have known we needed a little less diva in our life," Ha, little boys are quite the handful! I love my kids with all of my heart, and i love my job too! As a nurse leader i get to see many sides to healthcare and help encourage and guide new nurses. I love taking care of patients and being able to have grown up talk and then come home to my babies. The house is usually chaotic with lots of tantrums, and messes, but i wouldn't change it for a bit. On the rare occasion that i am able to have some spare time to myself, i like to read, bake and decorate cakes, and take pictures of my kiddos. Time to myself is rare so i decided to start this blog to have a creative outlet and connect with other working moms, who might be going through the same situations as myself. I hope you enjoy my thoughts and stories as a mom, student, wife and Nurse! These stories will range from Diapers and tutus to meetings and boardrooms! and everything that falls in between. Enjoy and thanks for visiting my site.

10 thoughts on “The last conversation

  1. In my heart I have no doubt that someday you will remember that conversation. I am so sorry you have had a day of remembering, it is so hard to lose someone, especially without warning. Virtual hugs to you tonight.

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