Posted in acceptance

How Did I Get Here

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Driving on autopilot this morning. Feeling numb, disappointed,  disheartened, and angry all at the same time. I don’t exactly remember dropping mini me off at school but painfully remember the tears that slid down my face as I hopped in the car to drop the other two off. Ashamed and embarrasses of my own behavior this morning as I was trying to get my minions off to school.

This morning began as the usual 4am wakeup call came way too early. I got up and began my routine. The stress from work and or current financial situation had finally taken its toll. Mini me just wouldn’t listen or do anything I had asked, once it was time to get in the car she still would not budge. All the while I am thinking of the 7:30am meeting that I will now be late to.

She has been acting  especially baby like in efforts to get attention, and well again adding to my stress. Telling her to get in the car and shes not moving. So I yell. Loud! By loud I mean I am sure that a green headed monster came out with her neck spinning and red blazing eyes.

When that did nothing but make her cry I grabbed her and placed her on  the doorstep so I can lock the door. Then asking her to walk to the car I scream again this time giving ine spank on the butt. She cried some more and then moved. I placed her in the car and her stubborn self sits down on the floor not budging. Completely frustrated I spank her three times this time in complete anger.

They say not to spank in anger and this is what I did. Definitely a first. It wasnt out of control now had it enough to truly hurt her, but here’s the thing. It hurt me. Scared me in a way that says pay attention! I could have lost control. A feeling that has never overcome me before.

I do not think I will ever get over the look in her eyes as I buckled her in her car seat. She was afraid. The one person who is supposed to protect her and she was afraid. After dropping her off I vowed to never let it get that far again.  Not because she was physically hurt, but because of the emotional impact it had on her and myself.  This is when the tears came, and everything else that morning has been a blur.

I love my children more than anything! My work life balance has been a bit off lately meaning I don’t have one.  Today that is going to change. work is just that its work. My children are my livelihood and what keeps me motivated. If work gets too stressful then who the hell cares.

As I am sitting here at my favorite bookstore where it is peace and quiet I am reminded of how simple life can be. Just coffee books and simple joy! All the while realizing that telling this story might make you think of me as a horrible mom who screamed at her kid. Its a risk I am willing to take because I have a feeling other moms can relate. It’s not right and I will not excuse my behavior. It was wrong.  But I am human, and will make mistakes.

I’m letting my stress go and moving on to a focus more rewarding. I am going to try and not yell at my kids. Over the next thirty days I will hold my tongue, speak with patience and control. I will not let my stress get the better of me. Its one thing to screw  up at work but its another to screw up my kids. I can’t screw that up!

It will not be easy and I will make mistakes along the way, but here and now I take my vow. To be a better wife, mom  and woman. I hope to feel happier and more Millfield by the end. at least I hope to achieve this goal. Have you ever done something that just left you completely ashamed, embarrasses and ready for a wake up call?

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Author:

I am a wife of ten years, mom of three, Nurse and student! My household is quite chaotic and busy. With a six year old going on sixteen. we shall call her "Sassy", a four year old, who is stubborn as a mule, she shall be called " mini me", and a one year old, we will call "Buddy". Our girls do Ballet, and our son, well he is all boy! Very curious and always getting in to something. When we found out we were having a boy i laughed and said " god must have known we needed a little less diva in our life," Ha, little boys are quite the handful! I love my kids with all of my heart, and i love my job too! As a nurse leader i get to see many sides to healthcare and help encourage and guide new nurses. I love taking care of patients and being able to have grown up talk and then come home to my babies. The house is usually chaotic with lots of tantrums, and messes, but i wouldn't change it for a bit. On the rare occasion that i am able to have some spare time to myself, i like to read, bake and decorate cakes, and take pictures of my kiddos. Time to myself is rare so i decided to start this blog to have a creative outlet and connect with other working moms, who might be going through the same situations as myself. I hope you enjoy my thoughts and stories as a mom, student, wife and Nurse! These stories will range from Diapers and tutus to meetings and boardrooms! and everything that falls in between. Enjoy and thanks for visiting my site.

18 thoughts on “How Did I Get Here

    1. Lol I know right! It would be so much easier if they had instructions! It is a good sign that I came to this conclusion let’s just hope I can stick with it! Thanks for reading 🙂

  1. I dont think there is a parent in the world who has never lost their temper so dont beat yourself up about it. I have definitely had days that are similar, recently my almost 3 year old has been screaming at the top of his lungs, he will do it all day and one day I had no sleep at all, 3 appointments to go to and a lot of other stuff anyway he kept on screaming so I squirted him with a water bottle which he hates and it scared him, seeing that scared look broke my heart and I did the same as you I just cried.

    1. Another commenter said kids should come with instruction manual! Lol I agree maybe we wouldn’t lose it if we had a gude. Like screaming child do this… he throws toys then do this lol! Would make life easier?

    1. Thanks I really felt awful. I think what made me feel worse was because it made me mad that I was going to be late for eork. Like I was putting work before the kids. But I have to make a living to take care of them so it’s just learning to find a balance. Sigh I don’t think any working parent has completely cracked that code! Thanks for reading and words of encouragement 🙂

  2. Li’l D once threw a shoe at me while I was driving. (Must’ve been about two years ago?) It had been that kind of a day, and I immediately picked it up and flung it back at him. It had more punch than I would’ve thought … and the shock of it left him crying for a long, long time. :/

    The good news it was a long while before he threw something at me while driving again. (The next time I just explained why that’s a terrible idea.)

    1. Lol! Is it bad that this made me laugh? My daughter threw a book at me once and all I told her was wait till we get home lol. Thanks for the encouragement, the comments to this post has really helped me feel normal and to not beat myself up such 🙂

  3. Ah bless you! It’s so difficult to keep control sometimes when there’s literally hundreds of things going through your mind. I’ve shouted at Junebug a few times, really shouted, and felt so awful about it. I know we both love our kids and will do our best to make sure it doesn’t become a habit. xxx

    1. Thank you! After I spent some alone time at the bookstore to just relax, I came home, she crawled in my lap and fell asleep in my arms. I know she knows that I still love her and today is a new day! Planning to spend some time with just the girls today and letting little man stay home and spend time with daddy! I just need to learn to remember that if you work hard then you must play hard 🙂

  4. That moment when you lose control as a parent – and we’ve all done it – is a horrible feeling. There are times when I am just SO FRUSTRATED and yelling at the kids about something – and know what I’m doing is ineffective and unhelpful, and setting a bad example about how to handle stress and frustration and … anger … but you can’t help it. Because we are all human.

    Knowing it happened, and deciding to deal with it better next time – that’s what I do too. We all stumble.

    Thinking good thoughts to you on this.

  5. omg i just sat here and cried with you. this was me last night. i’m not saying i don’t believe in the power of an occasional spanking but like you said, the spanking out of anger can be scary.

    oh how i hate that look of fear in their little eyes… i wish i could bottle it up and toss it away. yes, i am there with you… now i can’t wait to just hug her little self when i pick her up. it’s so hard to remember that they’re JUST 5 (well, mine is 4 but you get me) and just like us, they have their bad days and hard moments.

    sheesh… this parenting stuff is hard.

    1. Thank you and oh my is it ever so hard! I have three and someone is always fighting, crying or wanting something lol! I do believe in discipline and the occasional spank but not the way it happened that morning. The previous couple of days had been better and I was able to notice when I was feeling frustrated and would stop and take a breath. Thanks for your kind words 🙂

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