Driving on autopilot this morning. Feeling numb, disappointed, disheartened, and angry all at the same time. I don’t exactly remember dropping mini me off at school but painfully remember the tears that slid down my face as I hopped in the car to drop the other two off. Ashamed and embarrasses of my own behavior this morning as I was trying to get my minions off to school.
This morning began as the usual 4am wakeup call came way too early. I got up and began my routine. The stress from work and or current financial situation had finally taken its toll. Mini me just wouldn’t listen or do anything I had asked, once it was time to get in the car she still would not budge. All the while I am thinking of the 7:30am meeting that I will now be late to.
She has been acting especially baby like in efforts to get attention, and well again adding to my stress. Telling her to get in the car and shes not moving. So I yell. Loud! By loud I mean I am sure that a green headed monster came out with her neck spinning and red blazing eyes.
When that did nothing but make her cry I grabbed her and placed her on the doorstep so I can lock the door. Then asking her to walk to the car I scream again this time giving ine spank on the butt. She cried some more and then moved. I placed her in the car and her stubborn self sits down on the floor not budging. Completely frustrated I spank her three times this time in complete anger.
They say not to spank in anger and this is what I did. Definitely a first. It wasnt out of control now had it enough to truly hurt her, but here’s the thing. It hurt me. Scared me in a way that says pay attention! I could have lost control. A feeling that has never overcome me before.
I do not think I will ever get over the look in her eyes as I buckled her in her car seat. She was afraid. The one person who is supposed to protect her and she was afraid. After dropping her off I vowed to never let it get that far again. Not because she was physically hurt, but because of the emotional impact it had on her and myself. This is when the tears came, and everything else that morning has been a blur.
I love my children more than anything! My work life balance has been a bit off lately meaning I don’t have one. Today that is going to change. work is just that its work. My children are my livelihood and what keeps me motivated. If work gets too stressful then who the hell cares.
As I am sitting here at my favorite bookstore where it is peace and quiet I am reminded of how simple life can be. Just coffee books and simple joy! All the while realizing that telling this story might make you think of me as a horrible mom who screamed at her kid. Its a risk I am willing to take because I have a feeling other moms can relate. It’s not right and I will not excuse my behavior. It was wrong. But I am human, and will make mistakes.
I’m letting my stress go and moving on to a focus more rewarding. I am going to try and not yell at my kids. Over the next thirty days I will hold my tongue, speak with patience and control. I will not let my stress get the better of me. Its one thing to screw up at work but its another to screw up my kids. I can’t screw that up!
It will not be easy and I will make mistakes along the way, but here and now I take my vow. To be a better wife, mom and woman. I hope to feel happier and more Millfield by the end. at least I hope to achieve this goal. Have you ever done something that just left you completely ashamed, embarrasses and ready for a wake up call?