Posted in acceptance

I miss you most at Christmas Time

It think of her often but especially at Christmas time, It was her favorite holiday! It feels like yesterday that I was walking in her house. The outside lit up with all the lights, three  metal lighted up reindeer’s in the front yard. Walking in the living room with the rose-colored wall paper and the smell of honey baked ham.  Not being much of a cook she ordered one every year. Warmth and love hitting you as you walk in the door.  A white Christmas tree about 5 ft. with royal blue ornaments hanging from each branch sitting in the living room. Then seeing the unsightly  garbage bags full of presents underneath the tree.

This  house was that  of my grandmothers. It was my second home, my safe place while growing up. Children call their grandparents many different names. For me she was my Nanny. It was her nickname.  She loved Christmas and despite being told it was unnecessary she would buy dozens of presents for each family member place them in garbage bags and put them under the tree.  Just to explain the garbage bags to you.

I don’t remember a weekend of my childhood that I wasn’t at my nanny’s. We would rent movies and order pizza. She would talk during the whole movie while nodded politely as if I were listening. Sometimes we would stay up all night talking and sometimes we would sit and say nothing at all.  I still remember the same pink quilt covered with little dolls in white dress and brown bonnets on their heads. It is the quilt that covered me every time I stayed the night and the one she gave me when I bought my first home. It sits on my bed as I type. One day I hope to pass it down to my first granddaughter.

Being there for me through every thing, I could always count on her. Even on prom night when my parents were out-of-town. I went to her house to show off my dress as she took pictures to put on her mantel. The night before my wedding I chose to stay at her house. Sure I could have stayed in a hotel or at my parent’s but it was her I wanted to be with. One last night while I was still single to stay at my Nanny’s. It would be little weird after I was married to still have slept over’s at my grandparents don’t you think? She still tried despite me being married to get me to sleep over. You know the saying home is where the heart is? She was my safe place, she was my home.

She squealed in delight as I told her I was pregnant for the first time and came over with a movie the day after I miscarried to keep me company. She was just always there. We as people take for granted that people are always there. We forget that in the blink of an eye, our loved ones can leave this earth as quickly as they came.

Over seven years ago  I had awaken that morning feeling proud, excited and giddy. I had finally received my dining room table for our new home and had begun making plans to have a dinner with our family. We were ging to tell them the news, the news that after a miscarriage and nine months of trying I was pregnant.

There was another call that came in first and it said Nanny was going to the hospital. Something inside me knew, that she was not alive. It did not need to be said over the phone. We shared a could, kindred spirits and around 5am I had awaken. I felt something in my room, kind of strange. I seen a white light and did not understand it then, but did once I received that call.

Tears come to my eyes as I think of her and how much she loved children. She never got to know that I had any let alone three. She would have loved them as her own.She would have spoiled them especially my son. She always loved little boys. It saddens me that my children will have never know her but that’s the circle of life. Life goes on and continues despite losing love ones.

Nanny if I could tell you one thing it would be this. I felt you that night. Although we do not know exactly what happened, I know you were not alone. I was with you in spirit. Thank you for always being there for me and I hope that in return I was always there for you! Merry Christmas it’s your favorite holiday and every Christmas I think of your garbage bags and all the love that you put inside of them!

Aviary Photo_130635575766093195

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Author:

I am a wife of ten years, mom of three, Nurse and student! My household is quite chaotic and busy. With a six year old going on sixteen. we shall call her "Sassy", a four year old, who is stubborn as a mule, she shall be called " mini me", and a one year old, we will call "Buddy". Our girls do Ballet, and our son, well he is all boy! Very curious and always getting in to something. When we found out we were having a boy i laughed and said " god must have known we needed a little less diva in our life," Ha, little boys are quite the handful! I love my kids with all of my heart, and i love my job too! As a nurse leader i get to see many sides to healthcare and help encourage and guide new nurses. I love taking care of patients and being able to have grown up talk and then come home to my babies. The house is usually chaotic with lots of tantrums, and messes, but i wouldn't change it for a bit. On the rare occasion that i am able to have some spare time to myself, i like to read, bake and decorate cakes, and take pictures of my kiddos. Time to myself is rare so i decided to start this blog to have a creative outlet and connect with other working moms, who might be going through the same situations as myself. I hope you enjoy my thoughts and stories as a mom, student, wife and Nurse! These stories will range from Diapers and tutus to meetings and boardrooms! and everything that falls in between. Enjoy and thanks for visiting my site.

16 thoughts on “I miss you most at Christmas Time

  1. I absolutely loved this post April. I was young when my mamaw, that’s what I called mine, passed away and she was going through what we called her second childhood so I didn’t really get to know her as she would have been. But still I remember her smiles and laughter and the hugs she would give me from her bed. Like you, I miss mamaw terribly but I know she’s in a much better place now and celebrating Christmas with the reason for the season Himself. Merry Christmas to you and your family!!

    1. Thanks Tim! It’s amazing how special our grandparents can be to us! I just hope that my children are able to develop that relationship with their grandparents. It’s just so different now days. everyone has to work and are so busy.

      1. That is so true. I am expecting my very first grandbaby in Feb. but my son lives in Kansas so about the only way I will really get to see him (it’s a boy btw) is through Skype, pictures and video. I would love to be close enough to have that very special Papaw/Grandson close relationship.

  2. What a beautiful tribute to your nanny. I am sure she was at your side, maybe reading over your shoulder, and remembering all that you wrote. My condolences on your huge loss.

    1. Thank you Tric! I think there is something so special between a grandparent and their grandkids. I hope my kids get the same relationship with theirs 🙂

    1. Thank you Norm! Your kind words are much appreciated and you are so right! Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so we must love each other like there is no tomorrow!

  3. It’s so hard to not have those family traditions. My Grama got dementia and passed away a few years ago and I so miss going to her house for Christmas and holidays. They are pillars of the family and I’m thankful I’ll be with her again in heaven! 🙂 Merry Christmas!

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