“mommy can I sleep next to you tonight?” Of course you can I said as I looked into those beautiful blue eyes of hers. Part of me wanted to hold you and never let go, part of me wanted to cry and part of me wanted to yell and scream.
Today had been a particularly stressful day as 7yo had her routine physical. She did really well until it was time to look in her throat. Suddenly without warning my happy little girl began to cry uncontrollably. “I remember what I wanted to talk to you about!” I said to the physician’s assistant as she tried to examine my daughter’s throat.
7yo is incredibly sensitive and will cry over sometimes what seems like nothing to us but is quite obviously something to her. I have mentioned before that I was cautiously watching her behavior as there have been times I have caught her with tears down her eyes and no explanation as to why. appearing to come out of nowhere, I have just seen my daughter cry.
As I explained to the practitioner what her behavior is or can at times be and how often it occurs we discuss the need for an evaluation from a counselor. She explains that 7yo most likely is having anxiety and she can help provide her with techniques to cope. The whole time I am holding back tears of my own thinking what if it is something more.
What if my fun, sweet, smart little girl has something more going on in her head. What if counseling is not enough. I know I shouldn’t go to worse case scenario but I am a nurse. This is what we do! prepare for the worst and hope for the best! Except the worse scares the living shit out of me! Can my child at 7yo be depressed? can it be even worse than that?
There are times that I just look at think Can she feel my love? She doesn’t say I love you to me and my husband and I don’t think she ever has. She can be cuddly but it is the very rare occasion. Her nails are short and I rarely have to cut them because she picks at them, which is undoubtedly a nervous habit.
Does she know how truly amazing she is? She is so smart and beautiful. She reads at a fifth grade level and is quite the artist! I love displaying her art on any surface I can find. Can she feel how proud I am of her and the little person she is becoming?
Does she know that I would do anything to keep her safe? Does she feel safe? She can talk for hours about her pokemon characters or tell me about what she did that day, but when I ask her about her feelings she can’t or will not explain them. She will not tell me what makes her sad.
As I lay in bed with her sweet little head next to mine, I study her. Her long, curly blond hair that is turning just a shade darker than it used to be. Her long, thick eyelashes that catches everyone’s attention. Those cheeks that remind me of the day she was born. They are the same cheeks of that precious baby that I held over 7 years ago for the first time.
I looked at that baby with such pride in my heart. I knew right away that this girl would be beautiful, stubborn, independent, brave and a force all her own. I can say with the utmost of certainty that I was right. She is beautiful, stubborn, indepenedent and a force to be reckoned with. As I take my hand and rub her back with her eyes succumbing to the gentle touch I wonder to myself. Can she feel that? Can she feel my love?
I ask for your prayers as we go through her first counseling evaluation. I ask for your stories if you have gone through something similar. I know it could be worse and I am thankful that we are in a position to make sure that if something is going on, then we can take the time and energy to help her. My heart wants to believe that I am being paranoid and this is normal child behavior, but my gut says something differently. I just pray that the answers come soon and that we can provide her with tools to help her in situations where she feels scared or unsafe.
Most importantly I just hope that she feels my love…..