Posted in mommyhood, Uncategorized

I see you

Oh my baby girl… I know life has been hard. Long gone are the days of the vision I had in my head of what a happy, child looked like. At the age of ten you experience the type of pain and suffering no child should feel. The kind where your mind plays tricks on you, where the world is a scary place, but not as scary as the thoughts that play out in your mind. I want you to know something. Your think your invisible, but you are not. I see. you..

I see the stress, the anxiety and guilt for being different on your face. I see the lines of worry that something bad will happen. I see you trying to be perfect and falling short every time. I see how hard you work to make others like you and seem “normal” amongst your peers. I see your longing to be popular and care free. I see you..

Guess what else I see? I see your amazing intellect and power to lead others. I see your amazingly extraordinary imagination, and creativity. I see the love and adoration you have for your siblings, when others aren’t looking of course. I see you..

I see the compassion you have for animals, and how they adore and love you back. I see the artistry you have and one day you will have a painting or sketch in a museum. I see how, with all the cares in the world, you seem to not care what others think when you wear your wolf ears to school. I see how you wear those wolf ears, to shield yourself with the armor of a superhero. I see you..

I know you wish you were different. I know you wish the anxiety and depression would just go away. Baby so do i. As I held your face with tears in your eyes and mine, I told you.. you are perfect God made you this way and he doesn’t make mistakes..  Honey, you ARE perfect and God does not make mistakes! You will be and are  an amazing leader, person and daughter! We will walk through these trials, and we will learn to deal with the challenges thrown our way. You may feel invisible, but honey I see you! 20181104_134337.jpg

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Posted in Uncategorized

And we have a Computer

Oh, if you were to ask me where I have been lately, I would say at home.. doing nothing. Why, because I spilled water on my frigid computer about a month ago, and just now got a new one. I mean what is a blogger without a computer? Am I right! So, Yay!! I am working on setting up this new computer so decided to drop by and say that yes I am still alive, and yes I will be posting again soon! Thank goodness!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

The Heart of our Family — mamacravings

Sharing for a fellow blogger who needs our help.

Please pray for Casi. https://www.gofundme.com/the-heart-of-our-family

via The Heart of our Family — mamacravings

Posted in Uncategorized

Meet and Greet: 12/31/16 — Dream Big, Dream Often

It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!! Ok so here are the rules: Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post. Reblog this post. It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone! Edit your reblog post and add tags. Feel free to leave your link […]

via Meet and Greet: 12/31/16 — Dream Big, Dream Often

Posted in mommyhood, Uncategorized

Pass me the Holy Water please

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Today was a day like any other. We went to church and then had several errands to run afterwards. We needed to buy a pair of shoes for someone we have sponsored for Christmas this year, and then get some gifts for 7yo’s class Christmas party.

After much exhaustion from attempting to keep the kids occupied and quiet during the service ( a blog post for another day) I decided to let the hubby run inside to pick out the shoes while the kids and I stay in the car. During this errand, 4yo decides he needs to potty. Refusing to go into the mall, I call the husband and tell him that we are running into the closest fast food place to potty. This event goes without incident, thankfully.

I was pretty certain that the hubby would take us home prior to going to target for the 7yo’s class present, however he did not. Deciding to take only the 7yo with him.. well, this set the 4yo off! Silly me thought we just grazed by that whole tantrum phase, but I tell you I have seen a side of my 4yo that I never want to see again!

His loud shrill, of ” I want to go with DADDY!!!” Were loud enough for a deaf person to hear. At one point, I swear I seen his head spin around as he was kicking my seat and screaming like a little asshole.  Silently thinking to myself, where is the damn holy water because my son has obviously been possessed by a demon.

It was a scene that would make anyone lose their shit, and I wanted to lose mine. It was at the point that I thought, this kid is acting like an asshole and he needs a spanking, that I stopped for a second. Again, while thinking in my head ” Are  there  not   times when I am an asshole?” The answer is yes.

I recalled a moment when I was in a boardroom and told a senior VP that he was talking out of both sides. I thankfully caught myself before I took that comment too far, and he could have easily sent me out of the room and disciplined me. Instead, being the good country boy that he is, listened and explained his point of view in a calm and collected manner. You see, in that moment I was the asshole. I am not proud of myself and felt quite embarrassed, but you know what he gave me? He gave me the moment to be  imperfect, to have passion and feel comfortable voicing my passion, disappointment and frustrations. He let me be human.

I can’t tell you why this moment popped in my head at this particular time, but it did. So instead of yanking that child up, and making things worse, I did nothing. I sat there and let him scream and kick and have a meltdown that belonged in the movie the exorcist. I let him be human.

Now, before you go thinking that he got his way, well he didn’t. He stayed safely strapped into his car seat the entire time, and was never allowed to go inside the store. When the screaming and kicking  stopped and I heard nothing but the pitiful sobs of uncontrollable tears rolling down his face, that’s when I unbuckled myself and went to him. I rubbed his cheeks and wiped his tears, all while I was telling him ” I love you.”  Within a minute’s time, he stopped sobbing and I could see the face of my sweet little boy again who was happy and ready to play with his Spider-Man toys patiently waiting for his daddy to return.

He may never remember this moment, but I will for the rest of my life. As I reflect on today’s events, I realize that I want my children to know more than anything, that no matter how they act or what they do, I will always love them. It doesn’t mean that I will agree with their choices or behavior, but I will love them anyways. I hope, that when I feel discouraged or difficult to like my children , that I remember this moment.

I remember my mom doing the same for my brother when he was younger and alive. His choices were not the best and his behavior sometimes worse, but she always defended him. I didn’t get it then, and while I think as a mom, I still would not have defended the behavior, I get it  now. She was not defending it because she agreed with it, she was simply doing what she thought she needed to do in order for her to show her son that no matter what he was loved. I guess what they say is true, When you have children of your own one day, then you will understand. I understand mom,  I understand.. Now.. I just need to keep a little holy water in my purse in case we have another episode….

 

Posted in mommyhood, Uncategorized

Quality time with the kids… A Christmas Eve Tradition

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I love Christmas time! It is my absolute favorite holiday. The house gets decorated and looks so cozy. I often wish I could just leave the decorations up year round. The other night we decorated our Christmas tree and as I was putting the girls to bed, the oldest looks at me and says she has two favorite things about Christmas!

I began to brace myself for the expected answer of receiving gifts and material items, but what she said warmed my heart beyond belief. She said, ” my favorite part of Christmas is decorating the tree and making cookies on Christmas eve.” Just warm my heart why don’t you kiddo!

You see, I mad a pact a long time ago with my children that Christmas Eve was out time. We spend every Christmas day traveling to the in-laws and then to my parents house. It is a day of constant running, much like every other day in our lives. So Christmas eve, is where we carry out our traditions. One of them being, you guessed it… Making Sugar cookies for Santa. I think even when the kids stop believing, we will still make cookies for Santa. We begin this process together from start to finish. We also make reindeer food, stay in our pajamas all day and the hubby reads The Night before Christmas to the kids right before bedtime.

These are our traditions. This is the one day of the  year we say no to everyone else in the world and we stick to it. My parents and I were discussing Christmas plans when they mentioned possible getting together  on Christmas Eve. I stuck to my guns and politely said no thank you, and hearing this from our oldest reconfirmed why this tradition is so important.

My mom even went as far as to say, “But April you will still be with them at our house.” Not the same. It’s not about being in the same room as the kids but about spending quality time with them. You see, we can all be in the same room together and never talk or spend any real-time together.  This year i look forward to spending Christmas Eve in my PJ’s making cookies, crafting and watching movies with my kiddos! What are some of your families traditions?

 

Posted in acceptance, Uncategorized

Feeling Accomplished

I did it! I hit the submit button to my final paper for my BSN program. When I first became a nurse twelve years ago, there was little importance placed on getting your BSN. Most nurses I knew had an associate degree. As healthcare changed, the emphasis has become greater to obtain an advanced degree. Yes, when I started my BSN journey, the emphasis became to obtain the BSN but now a Master’s is becoming the emphasis. Sigh.. School, school and more school!

I suppose the pressure to obtain an even more advanced degree made me unsure of how I would feel when I hit that submit button! In today’s world where a Master’s is becoming necessary, would I even feel proud and accomplished. The answer is YES!!! After pouring blood, sweat and tears into this program while working full-time and raising three kids with their own unique challenges, this has been quite an accomplishment! I felt awesome and free in a way, that I haven’t felt in years.

I know that i will have to go back. I know the stress will be there again. For now, i am sitting here drinking my cup of coffee just as relaxed as can be. So what am i going to do now you ask? Why head to Disney World of course! Stay tuned for posts on the surprise of our kids life! i cannot wait to share with you how we kept this secret for over four months from the kids 🙂