Posted in mommyhood

Back to school….

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I am writing this post a couple of weeks late, but hey better late than never. The truth is, this is the only time that I have  to blog or event think about blogging.  Back to school, means back to school germs!! UGGH, YES!! I am sitting next to my sleeping four-year old just one day after starting pre-K with a fever and sore throat and since I can’t move because he has the senses of Spider-Man and the moves of  a ninja, I figured what the heck.. Anyways.. I digress.

Back to school always brings a bag full of mixed emotions for me. My oldest loves school and the routine it gives her, so for that I love going back to school. Now, for my 7yo, that’s another story. For her, it means constant struggles , constant teacher communication and constant fear that this may be the year that she is held back.

Last year in the first grade we received her ADHD diagnosis! Most would think yes, we finally have answers as to while she is struggling, and for part of me that was true. The other part, felt and still feels like the road will forever be long and we will have to constantly fight for her. And we will. We will fight for her, all day every day!

We were blessed with an incredible teacher last year who truly spent as much one on one time with her as possible. She and I texted almost every day about her progress and she went far beyond my expectations on helping our sweet 7yo move along and progress. While, that was wonderful I couldn’t and still can’t help but wonder about this upcoming year. Will her teacher be just as wonderful? Will we have to fight tooth and nail to get her any accommodations that she may need? I don’t know yet.

ADHD kids are supposed to get a 504 plan  to help for accommodations, but due to the fact that she may need an IEP, the school counsellor wanted to wait. This is something that I have had to fight for, and will most likely have to address soon. See, in order to ensure that she gets the accommodations that she may need guaranteed, you must have one of these. These can and should inlcude sitting in the front of the class to avoid distractions. allowing extra time to complete tests etc.

I worry constantly. I worry that her teacher will not be as awesome as last year’s. I worry that this kind of teacher is rare, and i have been set up for untealistic expectations. I worry about it all.

The medication has helped her quite a bit, and i think we are at a good dose now. While the medication is great for her in class, it has long worn off by the time she gets home from school. Which means homework is a battle.  A long, long battle of trying to get her to focus on the task at hand and stop noticing the lint on the floor that can barely be seen by the naked eye. That is, except her hyperaware little eyes that is.  Some nights are tolerable and some leaving me shaking and crying in the closet. It is life, life with an ADHD kid that is….

All these concerns circle my brain and the only thing i can do is pray. Pray that this year will be a little better. Pray that she has an engaged, and caring teacher. Pray for God’s perfect timing. Just Pray….

What tips/tricks/suggestions do you have for a mom new to this diagnosis that can help?

 

 

 

Posted in mommyhood

Community

I have been thinking about community a lot lately. Last weekend we attended a community event to raise  money for the children of a mother who was died violently in our area.  The event was kid friendly with carnival games, face painting and prizes for the little ones. There was even barrel racing and silent auctions. I was amazed at the sheer amount of people who not only volunteered their time, but donated the items for auction, food and prizes. You could feel God’s presence during this event as if he was wrapping his arms around these two children who will grow up without their mother.

Although, I did not know this woman personally, her story has sat with me for a while. This could happen to any of us, and the thought of leaving my children is just too much to bear .  It’s amazing what a group of people or community can do in the face of tragedy. WE can lift each other up, help one another, bring a sense of peace that was not there before. Which leads me to wonder, why can’t we do this every day?

My 7yo wrote the following paragraph on president’s day.

wp-1490191512111.jpgWouldn’t you vote for her? What a smart girl huh? My mommy pride was in beaming affect after reading this passage . Kids are much more intuitive than we ever give them credit for. You see, we drive by the same homeless man every day. I am pretty sure I have never mentioned him to the kids and just drive past as if he wasn’t standing there in need. I have wanted to stop, but have always been too busy, too everything i guess.  WE help in the mist of tragedy yet, aren’t those who do not have homes considered a tragedy?

This sweet daughter of mine, has me thinking of this man daily now and how we can help. Maybe its a simple meal for lunch, maybe its a kind conversation, maybe its just the acknowledgement that yes, he is sitting there on the same corner of the street every day for the past several years.  Today, I will pledge to help this man in some way. i want my children to know that they can make a difference in the community,no matter how small. Even the smallest gestures can lead to the biggest impacts in others lives. The community event that we attended started out as an idea for barrel racing to raise money and turned into quite the event. While this event will make an impact on those children financially, there can be no price placed on the impact it has had on me!

How can you make a differene today?

Posted in mommyhood

Staying positive through the depression

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The 7yo had her first counseling session on Friday and today she had her appointment for the genetic screening. There is a theory that she could have a genetic disorder in which her body is unable to break down vitamin B and that could be contributing to her depression.

We will start with the counseling first. I think it went really well, and she was given some tools to help her communicate her feelings. We tried this on Saturday as she seemed to be having a down kind of day, but she was not impressed. After attempting to coax her in to communicating with me, she yelled that she could not talk to me in another language! I guess I will take that as a no for now.. Hopefully after a few more session we can get her to open up about her feelings. The problem is,I am not sure that she even knows what she is feeling. It has been heartbreaking for sure..

She has this anxiety about going to the doctors and always worries that she will get a shot! Today we explained over and over again that she was in no way shape or form getting a shot! But when that doctor came at her with the cheek swab she screamed like she was trying to get away from a murderer. We ended up having to pin the poor child down to get the swab done. At this point I am not sure if I am hoping that this is pat of the problem or not. If she has this mutation, then I have to try to force supplements down her throat day in and day out, and if she does not, then we have a 7yo with symptoms of depression and no real way of knowing why.

She has been moody this weekend, which is somewhat good. At least she talked to me on some level. The little kids wanted to play with the sidewalk chalk this weekend and she chose to stay indoors! It is hard to see her isolating herself and not wanting to play outside. She did make one attempt to come outside, seen some ants on the sidewalk and ran back inside. Sigh.. at least she tried.

As a mom, it is hard to watch your child struggle. You think that if you give your children a warm, loving home then that will be enough, but sometimes, for some reason they still have struggles. I am thankful that we have caught her symptoms at an early age and pray that we can give her the tools that she needs to live a happy life! Today, despite all the negativity around me, I am choosing to see the bright side. My daughter is thriving in school despite the struggles she deals with, her grades are stellar and she has at least two friends that I know of. Today I choose to see the positive!!!

*This post is part of a series I am trying in order to be positive. There is so much chaos in our lives that it is easy to see the negative without recognizing the positive.

Posted in acceptance

34 and Feeling Fabulous!

wpid-20150704_141413.jpgListening to a coworker complain about almost turning thirty and being “old” I couldn’t help but hide a smile. I never sweated turning 30 and now that I am one day shy of 34 I have to say one thing. Being in my 30’s is pretty freaking fabulous!

Your 20’s are about self discovery and learning where you fit in today’s productive society. It’s about growth and maturing. It’s not about having the best career or how quickly can you get to the top as most of today’s 20 somethings seem to think these days. It’s a spiritual journey that I am glad to leave behind.

Today I know where I am and where I am headed. In my 30’s I have more self-confidence as a woman, friend and mom. I know what I am and what I am not. My weaknesses no longer scare me. I know that my strengths make me who I am as equally as my weaknesses make me who I am. I am no longer afraid to admit my mistakes and use them as a learning opportunity every time!

Healthy debate no longer scares me and I in fact relish it! Healthy debate is how we better ourselves and the society that we live in. I can appreciate someone else’s beauty and strengths because they add a uniqueness to the situation rather than be envious of what I do not have or possess.

There is a campaign going around the blogosphere called #BeREal and although I may be a day late to the party I can’t help but join in to celebrate my upcoming birthday. The above picture is me with no filter. Before I seen the awesome post by Lizzi Rogers… I had played with different filters and enhancements because we all want to look our best right?

But after reading her powerful post, I decided to leave it be and just let you see me. So here it is, the real me.

The real me wears make up so most of my pictures I am in make up. The real me has freckles and I love them! In my 20’s they always made me self-conscious but now, they are just a part of me and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

The real me likes red hair so I dye It red once every two months. My birth color is brown in case you were wondering. although it has not been that color for many years.

The real me at the age of 34 has a few strands of grey hair and I am okay with that.

The real me loves to read and would much rather sit in a quiet room or outside surrounded by nature and read a great story rather than go to a party with lots of people.

The real me knows how to network and socialize but would rather be alone for an hour  in order to recharge.

The real me has big dreams for my career but will only act on them if her family is stable enough to do so. I will not sacrifice my family for a career.

The real me loves purple! it’s my favorite color,..I hate pink but tolerate it due to having two little girls because you know.. you have to!

The real me is afraid of failing at motherhood. I see what so many go trough with their children and feel as if it could be us and it terrifies me.

The real me loves Disney World!!! It’s my favorite place to go 🙂

The real me rocks driving the mini van and it doesn’t bother me one bit to not have a sporty car. My kids would ruin it anyway.

The real me has a messy house! This type A personality has a messy house due to her three little hurricanes and I can’t keep up with it! Beware if you come over unannounced because hey, it is what it is!

The real me has control issues and I am not afraid to admit that I am a work in progress.

The real me hates to go fishing, camping or anything outdoorsy. Except sitting on a beach or tropical island. I like that.. But for the record I would absolutely go camping if my kids wanted to or if there was air conditioner then that could work.

The real me loves Pizza and can eat a whole large by myself!

Here I am world! A  Red headed, freckle faced, pizza loving 34-year-old woman who wouldn’t change any of it!

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Posted in acceptance

Advice for my younger self

I see you staring back at me with your knowing smile. The windows to your soul giving me the I told you so speech without saying a word. I see you staring back at me with that glimmer of hope and that courageous heart,

You have seen things and experienced things that I just cannot begin to understand. The fine lines around your eyes that show the wisdom that took years to create. The lines around your smile that says I have a secret to tell you and it’s big!

Your staring at me, taunting me with the secrets that you are hiding. Desperately I want to know the answer. I want to see it all years before my time. Patience is not my strong suit and today you tell me to be patient.

You are telling me to wait, to hold on to my hope and faith over the years. You want me to hold on to those things even through the challenges and suffering because there will be suffering, You tell me to accept the difficult times as much as the easy times, because the difficult times are the ones that have made me stronger and eventually happier. These are the times I will learn compassion, patience, acceptance and tolerance.

Staring back at me you will tell me that at the age of 34yo I will feel nothing short of fabulous and all those people worried about turning 30’s clearly hasn’t matured yet because this is the best feeling in the world.

I will look at myself in the mirror and realize how amazing it is to be 34 ! How wonderful it feels to be confident and reel that my place in the world is right where I am! I feel no need to rush any aspect of my life and live in the moment versus living in the future that may or may not exist. I am strong, happy, excited and for the first time in my life patient. I would tell 20’s self that the things that I thought were important just really are not important at all. I would tell myself that in he end, it doesn’t work out according to plan! It ends up being better than I could have imagined life to be!

If you could go back and talk to your 20’s self, what would you say?

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Posted in Baby Daddy

Stolen Moments..

It has been a challenge to spend time with the hubby lately. Hmm.. With three kids go figure . Every day is a challenge, every day we have kids screaming,crying, and fighting. With kids as young  and close in age as ours it is just the new normal. It is stressful. exhausting and mentally draining all at the same time. Add a couple of girls in your bed every night and well, you get the point.

Last night I cam home from a long work week to the husband using his new grill to make us a steak dinner! I knew that grill was worth every penny! you see it has been a long time since he has just made dinner for me. It has been a long time since he has taken the time to surprise me. Something that before kids, he used to do all the time. We are exhausted after all.

While he made dinner I made some homemade guacamole and went to the store to buy some tortilla chips. It felt like we were in a true partnership. We are each a functioning part of the team and neither one of us can do this without the other. I see single moms or military wives who have no choice but to do this parenting thing on their own and I remember  how blessed I am to 10178071_1008375865863655_3045373175708867583_nhave him.

Untitled designIt’s funny the way love and admiration sneaks up on you in those simple moments. It’s not the grand gestures but the every day moments. It was Fathers Day that I watched my husband putting together his new grill with his handy 2yo little partner right next to him that I thought to myself. I love this man!

It was last night as we were sitting at the Kitchen table together eating our steak diner while ignoring all the chaos around us that I thought, I love him! This moment right here when we chose to sit together, eat and have a conversation instead of running to the aid of the sounds of war n the other room, this moment I say I love him.

These stolen moments do not happen often but in a world where stress can get the better of you, I am thankful that I love him! What stolen moments have you had lately?

Posted in nursing - it's my job

A New Beginning

Well, I have officially completed my first week at the new job. I think I am going to like it there. As someone who is used to being always on the go, I found the first two days frustrating. I literally sat around all day. This position is a new one and there isn’t really anyone in my department that will be doing exactly what I am so there is no true orientation.  Me and sitting around do not mix.

Towards the end I was able to find some things to do and actually have some meetings set up for next week. A sort of get to know the managers etc. I am looking forward to these as I can tell them hey, I get it! I was there just a few months ago and how can I help you. The idea of being able to initiate projects but not have the responsibility for the implementation is very appealing.

This week I also took data and placed it into a graph all on my own! Who would have thought I could do that!! Definitely not me as math makes me crazy but it’s part of the job and I found it quite fun!

The people are amazingly nice and I couldn’t ask for better coworkers. The atmosphere is pretty laid back which is not something I am used to but can easily learn to get used to.  My favorite is the boss lady telling me you make your own hours. So if I need to be late for a school function or doctor’s appointment it is not a big deal! Say what???? yep so this is me liking my new job to this point. Time will tell if that opinion stays.

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This banner was waiting for me at my desk on the first day! Yep they love me!

Posted in mommyhood

Fire through Courage

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Bullying has been quite the topic of discussion here lately. In fact I was planning to write a post on Bullying for 1000 speak and life got in the way and said no you don’t! This is a subject that I feel passionate about and felt guilty for not writing that post so I decided to choose it as my research project for my English paper. It is interesting the things you find out or well really decide to start thinking about when you do a little research.

In my research I have learned about a phenomenon called bystander bullying. Essentially it is a bystander who witnesses the event and does nothing. The child does not say anything nor does he or she do anything to stop the occurrence. Is it because the bystander is afraid or is there some other reason? I think it is due to the lack of awareness we as s society has for bullying in addition to the lack of tools provided for children on how to stop the behavior.

My point is this simple. Talk to your kids. Tell them about bullying and why it is wrong. Explain that bullying is repeated acts of aggression towards another human being and it is never okay to let someone be harmed physically or mentally and do nothing. Teach them to tell a parent, a teacher or some other adult if they are afraid to say anything during the act. Tell them to get help.

We need to teach our kids to have compassion for the victim and help them in any way possible by befriending them and choosing to help. It is easy to watch someone get bullied and say nothing but true bravery is shown when action to stop and say no this is not okay!

I will be honest in saying that I have not had these conversations with my children but that will change today. I have talked to my kids about not letting anyone hurt them or say mean things to them. They are taught to stand up for themselves, but have I taught them to stand up for others? not really. It is something that we do not always think about but that is why I love the concept of 1000 speak. The awareness that everyone brings to the table just simply makes you think about things that you may have not considered before. Today I will stand tall and teach my children courage, bravery and a love for human life that surpasses their own! Today we will be brave.

Courage is fire and bullying is smoke – Benjamin Disraeli

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Posted in mommyhood

Today I wanted to run

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Today was the day that I wanted to run away. I wanted to run, anywhere just far,far away. Maybe it was the because I was in the throes of a replicated civil war like feud with the kids all day. Leaving me to feel like it was the north s. the south, me vs. them.  Some days motherhood is nothing short of amazing and others your just thankful that you all ended in one piece. Today is one of those days. Fair warning, you are about to read the rantings of an exhausted, sleep deprived mother who feels enslaved to the needs of her children.

From the moment these ungrateful sweet little darlings of mine awakened it has been mommy I need this and I need that. Not just the normal need stuff but the whiny kind of behavior that makes you want to knock the shit out of them,give them a hug and tell them it will all be okay.

After two hours of non stop whining, fussing and sibling spats I decided we were going to play outside and get some fresh air. This started pretty good and the kids played well together allowing me a minute to go back inside and clean the kitchen. Except those little monsters kids decided to go back and forth and back and forth until the sound of the sliding glass door felt like nails on a chalkboard to me and I was ready  to whoop some ass. Then a bee must have been outside because all three kids came running screaming that there was a bee. imagine that a bee outdoors huh.

Starting lunch the kids asked what I was making, so I told them fish. Well you would have thought I was telling them that I was making raw sushi or something. OOh that’s disgusting, they wanted fish sticks! uggh so I went ahead and made fish sticks. I did not feel like yet another battle over lunch.

The husband came home at 2pm and I was ready to get the hell out of dodge. except I hadn’t showered, brushed my teeth or anything so that first. then I went to Target and sat in the Starbucks cafe drinking a latte in peace before getting the last few items needed for dinner.

Once home it was more whining, nagging exhausting behavior and then time to make dinner. Which would be fine except I was making tacos and you guessed it the kids said it was gross. Deciding that this day had already gone to hell I told the kids that they had to try it before they could have anything else to eat. You would have thought I was killing them! Full on wailing, screaming and 5yo was the worst! Kicking, screaming and just not having it! What kids do not like tacos?

That was it, I had reached my breaking point. Informing the hubby that he was now I kid duty I cleaned the kitchen and locked myself in my bedroom. He can handle them, I am all done. If they see mommy then they want mommy to get everything. The hubby offered to get 5yo her milk and she screamed no mommy do it!

So now, with my feet killing me, my eyes heavy, the house a complete disaster 9(except for the kitchen) I am done, y white flag is waived in surrender. Motherhood is exhausting and tiresome, and I do not have to love it every minute of the day. Today we merely survived and that has to be enough. I have given all I can today.

Some may wonder if I am worried about my kids reading this when they are older and you know what I will encourage them to do so. This feeling of frustration needs to be seen. They need to know that it is okay to be stressed, frustrated and exhausted. It’s how we choose to handle these situations that makes up out character. As much as I wanted to I do not yell, lose my temper or self-control. There were times when it could have easily happened. Instead I cared for and loved them. I kissed boo boos, and made sure they were fed and well cared for. Once I reached the point of no return I gave it al over to the husband and closed the door. Now relaxing to the soothing sounds of Ed Sheeran.

tomorrow is another day and I am grateful for that. Today I survived the throes of motherhood and all its ugliness. If anyone ever says motherhood does not have an ugly said needs to come to my house, and if they believe that then they are lieing to themselves because it’s there. My aching feet and dark circles that forever sit underneath my eyes serve as the battle scars from today. Tomorrow is another day and thank the lord for that!

Posted in acceptance

Go confidently to the direction of your dreams

Go Confidently in the direction of your dreams….Henry David Thoreau

I read this very simple and lovely quote on the bumper sticker of a car yesterday while driving to a job interview. In some weird way it was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.

Finding a job that will suit my family life as well as my need for drive, motivation and challenge is proven to become more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I want a job that I love going to work everyday and feel appreciated, values and yes needed.  It is amazingly hard to even get a job interview unless you really know someone. Despite having lots of experience on my resume, it is just plain hard.

Last week I had a great interview in which I expect an offer, but it’s not what I really want, but will take it because hey, I need a job. But Tuesday I met with a lady who has an awesome vision and it clicked! It felt right, like I belonged there. I  am supposed to get a second interview and hoping that goes well. This one will be with potential coworkers to make sure it’s a good fit for them and me. I can’t say that I will definitely get offered the job because of course no one can, but for the first time in a month I feel hopeful.

This is me going confidently to the direction of my dreams. Not too confident as we all know things can change but confident enough to seek out my true passion with my work as well as my passion at home!

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