Posted in mommyhood, The letter series

Bye Bye Tonsils

Dear Buddy,

Thursday we sad Good-Bye to your tonsils. Your tonsils were very large and you had a condition known as obstructive sleep apnea. This condition caused you to stop breathing in your sleep. Scary, i know. I am amazed at how well you handled going in to surgery. I explained to you what was going to happen in words you could understand and you were fine with it. The nurses fawned all over you which of course you loved, and you even got to wear what you called emoji socks. The nurse thought that was too cute. I explained that your sisters have somewhat of an emoji obsession so you knew the term very well.

When the nurse asked if you wanted to ride in the wagon to the OR, you didn’t hesitate to jump in. I felt equally relieved and fearful of your braveness and courage. Part of my heart left with you as you went into surgery. You see, I am always with you. Always.

Once i sat back down in the waiting room i prayed for the doctors and nurses to have a healing hand and for a perfect surgery. There is always a risk with surgery and no one knows that better than your mom. Being a nurse is a blessing and a curse, because i always  know how to make  you feel better but i always know th worst case scenario.

What was roughly an hour, felt like eternity when the doctor came out and said you did great! He said that your tonsils had filled your entire air space and you should be able to breathe better almost immediately. We knew those suckers were big, but just didn’t know how big.

You were still sleeping when i arrived to recovery. Tears came to my eyes as i laid eyes on you. It’s one thing for someone to tell you your little boy is okay, but it is another story for you to see it for your own eyes. You had a wonderful nurse who took such good care of you. She was my favorite by far. I will always be grateful for her moment in your life.  You woke up from anesthesia peacefully and we immediately gave you a popsicle, which you loved. You ate  three orange popsicles just in the recovery unit alone.

Because of your age, we had to stay overnight in the hospital which you were not so understanding about. Every few minutes you would look at me and say “I’m done, I want out.” I remember thinking you must feel like you are in jail or something.

Do you remember peeing on me while I gave you pain medicine that night? Oh yeah, you didn’t like the pain medicine and made sure i knew it too. That poor nurse had to wash mommy’s clothes including my underwear because it was all I had with me at the time.

Thankfully the doctor came early the next morning and let us go home. You have done pretty well, but i am thankful you will never remember the pain. If anything i hope you remember all the cuddles we have shared. The other night, we were cuddling and i told you how sorry i was that you were in pain and felt so bad, your response melted my heart and suddenly i could hang on just  a little longer. You rubbed your hand on my cheek and said “It’s okay mommy, I love you!”  Even when you are stressed, in pain and exhausted, you are still the sweetest little boy. I hope you never lose that trait. Know that no matter what, I always love you too, and my heart is always with you.

Love,

Mom

 

 

 

 

Advertisements
Posted in mommyhood

Staying positive through the depression

wpid-110533_20130703_160504_grass_wallpapers_314.jpg

The 7yo had her first counseling session on Friday and today she had her appointment for the genetic screening. There is a theory that she could have a genetic disorder in which her body is unable to break down vitamin B and that could be contributing to her depression.

We will start with the counseling first. I think it went really well, and she was given some tools to help her communicate her feelings. We tried this on Saturday as she seemed to be having a down kind of day, but she was not impressed. After attempting to coax her in to communicating with me, she yelled that she could not talk to me in another language! I guess I will take that as a no for now.. Hopefully after a few more session we can get her to open up about her feelings. The problem is,I am not sure that she even knows what she is feeling. It has been heartbreaking for sure..

She has this anxiety about going to the doctors and always worries that she will get a shot! Today we explained over and over again that she was in no way shape or form getting a shot! But when that doctor came at her with the cheek swab she screamed like she was trying to get away from a murderer. We ended up having to pin the poor child down to get the swab done. At this point I am not sure if I am hoping that this is pat of the problem or not. If she has this mutation, then I have to try to force supplements down her throat day in and day out, and if she does not, then we have a 7yo with symptoms of depression and no real way of knowing why.

She has been moody this weekend, which is somewhat good. At least she talked to me on some level. The little kids wanted to play with the sidewalk chalk this weekend and she chose to stay indoors! It is hard to see her isolating herself and not wanting to play outside. She did make one attempt to come outside, seen some ants on the sidewalk and ran back inside. Sigh.. at least she tried.

As a mom, it is hard to watch your child struggle. You think that if you give your children a warm, loving home then that will be enough, but sometimes, for some reason they still have struggles. I am thankful that we have caught her symptoms at an early age and pray that we can give her the tools that she needs to live a happy life! Today, despite all the negativity around me, I am choosing to see the bright side. My daughter is thriving in school despite the struggles she deals with, her grades are stellar and she has at least two friends that I know of. Today I choose to see the positive!!!

*This post is part of a series I am trying in order to be positive. There is so much chaos in our lives that it is easy to see the negative without recognizing the positive.

Posted in Every day mom link-up

Every Day Mom Link up 7-26-15

Evry day mom badgeA day late and a dollar short! Sorry about that guys, Saturday slipped away from me. We had Ballet registration yesterday and then 7yo and I had a mommy and me day!

It is amazing what happens when you take a child away from her siblings and just have that quality time together. Let’s face it, you really can’t divide your time evenly between three kids so we make a conscious effort to spend alone time with each kid separately.

We went to target and picked out a new night-light, because you know I am tired of having two kids in the bed with me each night. Then we went to Red Robin for dinner. She talked my ear off the entire and I loved it! We chatted about pokemon, and school staring. She told me about her favorite parts of school, gong to the library of course ;). we laughed and enjoyed our dinner.

Next we walked around the mall and just talked and window shopped. She loves claire’s so we went into their and looked at all the fun jewelry and even bought her and her sister a sleep mask. That kid proudly took her mask and placed it on the top of her and walked the entire mall with it on her head! It was the cutest thing ever and she wore it like a boss lol!

What would a good date be without ice cream so that was next. We ate and then went home. Plugged in their new night lights and both girls stayed in their beds all night long!!! Woohoo!! Let’s hope this sticks because I am ready to lose my shit if I have to spend one more night with feet in my back.

Now that I have shared my Every Day mom moment with you it is to share yours. Add your link using the inlinkz form and then hop on over to read some fun posts! The rules are that simple.

A shout out to Life,Kids and a Glass of red for giving us a post on the dreaded dinner time! I know that dinner time is always a struggle in this house so it resonated with me in a big way. I too have tried everything and well sometimes you just have to say it is, what it is. Thanks for sharing 🙂

Now add your links and let’s have another week of fun shall we!

Posted in mommyhood

Wearing my Every Day mom Badge Proud

badge
I have been a proud every day mom since 2007!

 

There are two words that irritate me like no other. Two words that when people say them are actually giving a compliment, but I find obnoxious. Of course I do not tell the people it offends me, but just smile and say thank you! Those words are simple and meant to put you on the mother of all pedestals! What are they you ask? Super MOM! Seriously I do not think anyone can achieve that fantasy pinnacle of motherhood. It simply just does not exist.

I have been trying to write this post for some time but simply could not find the words. Today while driving in my car, I found them or they found me that is. Being a mom to three very young children, I have often been called Super mom.  I like to bake cakes and almost always make my kid’s Birthday cakes and this is often when I an referred to  the incredible Super Mom. Even though the commenter intends it as a compliment, it is something I take offense to. I am just an everyday mom.

We are all moms who work hard and struggle to get through the day. Whether you work full-time or stay home with the kids, we all face the same challenges.  Our days become a game of Survival of the fittest and one that only a mom can win. Not even a dad is strong enough to handle this kind of strength. Super strength implies a strength that is short-lived and an act of adrenaline, but every day strength well that is quite the achievement.

We are every day moms who wear our Super mom badge underneath our left chest inside of our soul.  The badge does not contain a button or red letter S, but a picture of our children’s faces carried inside our hearts.

If you have stood in your living room with a mess that could only equate to the damage of a category five hurricane and did not run and cry but stood strong, rallied the troops and took care of business, then you my friend have the kind of strength that only an Every day mom has!

If you have ever been ill but had to suck it up, take car of the kids, clean the house, make breakfast and make drop offs to school despite feeling like poo, then rock on sister! You are an Everyday mom!

Every  time you kiss a scraped knee, wipe away tears and say it will be okay your  mom cape flies high.  Your kisses provide the  healing touch that only the strongest of every day mom’s have!

Remember the times that you your toddler insisted on  dressing herself?  The one day that you let her go into public wearing nothing but a bathing suit because she picked it out and hey, who cares anyway?  The moment that you say Who the Hell cares if people judge me, she is an independent child, and she can wear it if she wants to! You just wore that Mom badge proud! Keep wearing it momma! You are doing awesome!

On the day that you cut his sandwich into the shape of a dinosaur just because and  he was bragging to his friend about his awesome mom! that is the best kind of super mom! Better yet, what about every day when you make his sandwich with only peanut butter and no crust because that’s how he likes it? That’s an awesome every day mom right there!

We cannot be  Super Moms because we do what we do every day!  Because of the love we have for our children we fight off the exhaustion, read that book for the hundredth time today, watch frozen for the thousandth time this year, and buy the stupid CD with all of the music! because hey, we just need to hear let it go one more time!

Motherhood  is stressful , challenging  and a beautiful disaster. It is most certainly not for the weak. We carry our super strength every day which means it really can’t be super can it?When our children our ill it is mommy they want. We never get a sick day and if we are lucky we get just five minutes to ourselves. I mean for those of us who are really lucky that is! I had to hide from my kids to read a book, so hey sometimes those five minutes are stolen, but you get the idea.

We fight monsters with the same intensity as we do our kids cough. We do not run from the messy, in fact we welcome it. We can have tea parties while also playing dragons.  We clean up and fold all while reading that special book. We are not Super mom’s but Every day moms! I don’t know about you but I wear my every day mom badge proud!

The next time you think that your all is not enough, then remember that your child only has one mom! You were picked just for him, and wear that badge proud! You are awesome! Can I get a shout our for us every day moms out there!

 

Posted in Ten Things of Thankful

Thankful – New Years Edition

thankful

Every now and then you meet a group of people who you just really click with. Sometimes in person and in this case in the blogosphere! These ladies have provided me with more support and understanding than I have ever imagined. My first Thankful is to all of the members of Ten Things of Thankful! When a wrote my first post roughly one month ago you sent me more words of encouragement and welcomed me with open arms. Thank you to each and every one of you! Thankful #1

New years was nice a quiet and we attempted to go to sleep at 10pm. But the neighbors and their fireworks decided a little different. I am Thankful that the booming rockets that seemed to plow above my very own home did not wake my children! Thankful #2

We had the sister in Law and her family over to watch football and enjoy dinner. I love how close my kids are with their cousin and watching them all play together truly puts a smile on my face. Family is important and so very often we take them for granted. Thankful #3

The last two weeks have been spent at home and with my kids. At least for the most part! I am so thankful  for the time off to just enjoy the Holidays and my children. Every moment has not been perfect and I do not know what is, but I have been relaxed with very few calls from work and we  have just enjoyed time together. Thankful #4

The weather has been quite dreary during this time off and the kids were getting a little stir crazy! So I am Thankful for a very cheap children’s museum that we were able enjoy yesterday! Buddy loved the telescope and said he was searching for the moon while Sassy and mini me enjoyed the forts and houses. They also liked pretending to be Indians  cooking fish on an open fire!  A nice place to entertain the kids on rainy days – Thankful #5wpid-20150102_121212.jpg

This morning I got what was probable the equivalent to a birthday, anniversary and valentine’s present from the kids! They slept in until 8:30am! No seriously I thought I was in heaven! These last couple of weeks has allowed me to catch up on some much-needed sleep and just feel rested and normal! Thankful #6

I have even been able to catch up on some reading. I started a book about a month ago and now finally am more than halfway through! I love to read and just have not had the time so this is something to be thankful for! Thankful #7

I just finished watching Courageous while the house is asleep and what a tear jerker! I am grateful for the reminder to be present and there for my children. These moments are short-lived so reminder’s are always good! Thankful #8

Although it’s nice to have time off from work it is also nice to have a job that I want to get back to! last week one of my nurses smiled and told me that sometimes they do not feel like they are making a difference but most recently she feels like she is making a difference! It’s such a good feeling as a Nurse Leader to hear your team with a sense of satisfaction with what they are doing! Thankful #9

Quiet time is always a good thing and is lettime sit here and write this very post! As an introvert I need and crave that alone time but find it a rarity as a mom of three! Quiet time is awesome! Thankful #10

 

 

 

 

Posted in acceptance

I miss you most at Christmas Time

It think of her often but especially at Christmas time, It was her favorite holiday! It feels like yesterday that I was walking in her house. The outside lit up with all the lights, three  metal lighted up reindeer’s in the front yard. Walking in the living room with the rose-colored wall paper and the smell of honey baked ham.  Not being much of a cook she ordered one every year. Warmth and love hitting you as you walk in the door.  A white Christmas tree about 5 ft. with royal blue ornaments hanging from each branch sitting in the living room. Then seeing the unsightly  garbage bags full of presents underneath the tree.

This  house was that  of my grandmothers. It was my second home, my safe place while growing up. Children call their grandparents many different names. For me she was my Nanny. It was her nickname.  She loved Christmas and despite being told it was unnecessary she would buy dozens of presents for each family member place them in garbage bags and put them under the tree.  Just to explain the garbage bags to you.

I don’t remember a weekend of my childhood that I wasn’t at my nanny’s. We would rent movies and order pizza. She would talk during the whole movie while nodded politely as if I were listening. Sometimes we would stay up all night talking and sometimes we would sit and say nothing at all.  I still remember the same pink quilt covered with little dolls in white dress and brown bonnets on their heads. It is the quilt that covered me every time I stayed the night and the one she gave me when I bought my first home. It sits on my bed as I type. One day I hope to pass it down to my first granddaughter.

Being there for me through every thing, I could always count on her. Even on prom night when my parents were out-of-town. I went to her house to show off my dress as she took pictures to put on her mantel. The night before my wedding I chose to stay at her house. Sure I could have stayed in a hotel or at my parent’s but it was her I wanted to be with. One last night while I was still single to stay at my Nanny’s. It would be little weird after I was married to still have slept over’s at my grandparents don’t you think? She still tried despite me being married to get me to sleep over. You know the saying home is where the heart is? She was my safe place, she was my home.

She squealed in delight as I told her I was pregnant for the first time and came over with a movie the day after I miscarried to keep me company. She was just always there. We as people take for granted that people are always there. We forget that in the blink of an eye, our loved ones can leave this earth as quickly as they came.

Over seven years ago  I had awaken that morning feeling proud, excited and giddy. I had finally received my dining room table for our new home and had begun making plans to have a dinner with our family. We were ging to tell them the news, the news that after a miscarriage and nine months of trying I was pregnant.

There was another call that came in first and it said Nanny was going to the hospital. Something inside me knew, that she was not alive. It did not need to be said over the phone. We shared a could, kindred spirits and around 5am I had awaken. I felt something in my room, kind of strange. I seen a white light and did not understand it then, but did once I received that call.

Tears come to my eyes as I think of her and how much she loved children. She never got to know that I had any let alone three. She would have loved them as her own.She would have spoiled them especially my son. She always loved little boys. It saddens me that my children will have never know her but that’s the circle of life. Life goes on and continues despite losing love ones.

Nanny if I could tell you one thing it would be this. I felt you that night. Although we do not know exactly what happened, I know you were not alone. I was with you in spirit. Thank you for always being there for me and I hope that in return I was always there for you! Merry Christmas it’s your favorite holiday and every Christmas I think of your garbage bags and all the love that you put inside of them!

Aviary Photo_130635575766093195

Posted in mommyhood

Teaching innocence about Drugs

 

Pure Sweet innocence
Pure Sweet innocence

We were sitting at the table and you asked me if I knew why you were wearing your Red shirt today. I knew the answer but was enjoying conversing with you so I asked why. Proudly you told me it was for Say no to Drugs day, and then asked me what drugs were.

Instinctively I looked into your innocent blue eyes and said they are something that makes you sick and are bad. Now, I love how you want to know the reason behind everything, however sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming. Asking me the dreaded Why question that left me speechless and ultimately saying because.

I realize that this answer in the long run will not be enough. I realize that as you get older we will need to have many discussions on drugs and the real reason that you should stay away from them.

I am of course referring to the illicit kind that are purchased on the street or from a “friend”. Notice the quotations around friend because anyone who sells you those types of drugs are not your friend. They do not care about your well-being, just the money that you pay them for the product they give.

As I sit here tapping at the keyboard I am pondering the one question to your answer. At six years old how do you explain the things that I have seen in my line of work.  I have seen it all baby. Dumbasses Young kids starting drugs with just a little taste that turns into an addiction so hard and fast it will make your head spin.

I have seen these young people die of heart attacks because their poor little hearts could not keep up with the crack that they so desperately put into their bodies. All the while I think to myself was it worth it? Was that high and that moment worth dying and leaving your family behind? Someone’s mother,brother,sister or friend. Was it worth it?

To them maybe it was, They were in fact dependent on that foreign substance to make them whole. how do I explain addiction to you at this young of an age. That it runs in our family and we all need to be careful. If not drugs then with alcohol.  We have to be careful and be strong. The physical need of these drugs can ruin your relationships and destroy any future that you may have. Becoming addicted means placing your want for the drug above all else. Who cares if you steal or lie to get it. Just as long as you have that one hit right?

When you do not get it then the heart begins to race a little. You might become sweaty and incoherent. Hallucinations can begin until you do not even recognize where you are at. This, is the very essence of addiction.

The good thing is that if you never try it, then you cannot become addicted. It is hard and there are kids your age who will want you to try it. Do not let them take you down that rabbit hole sweetheart. it is a dark and lonely place. You are better than that. Stay confident in who you are and stay true to yourself. Do not give in. Not even once. Remember that all drug addicts started with just that one time that turned into just once more.

I remember in the eight Grade a boy in my class asked me to smoke some weed. I just looked at him and said no! I would love to tell you that he said okay and that he left me alone, but he simply did not. He asked me over and over again, trying to get me to give in. Come on he said, just give it a try.

Peer pressure by definition is just that, Your peers trying to pressure you int doing what they want you to do. I know this is difficult to resist and keep saying no, but you must! Believe it or not that is just what I did! I kept saying no, until he finally gave up and guess what? He did not stop being my friend. He did not make fun of me and we spoke casually after that event. He obviously was not the kind of kid I wanted to hang out and so I did not.

Now, I am not telling you these things to make myself sound perfect because we both know that I am not. But I can tell you that although it is not easy, you can overcome the effects of peer pressure and please do not let anyone pressure you into doing something that you do not want to do.

I am simply telling you this because today you asked me a question about drugs and in reality eighth grade is only seven years from now. This post is the best way I can describe how drugs can ruin your body. I hope that we can read this together in a few years and that it will help you understand.

Drugs hurt. Drugs Kill. Drugs make people still. Drugs Lie and ruin relationships,Drugs takes the innocence of young little boys and girls like yourself. Drugs takes away true happiness and rob you of your safety.

Today you proudly  said  ” No to Drugs” and I pray to GOD that it stays that way!